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Entertainment / Humor

A dozen new stories. Anecdotes from Russia.

Jokes from Russia - the most funny jokes, stories, sayings and phrases, poems, cartoons, and other humor. Go from 8 November 1995. Compiler Dima Verner

Found 733 items

Inspired by the story about the name on the badge https://www.anekdot.ru/id/1234070/ Marina worked for us, she was below average height, with an outstanding bust - the badge was lying there, not hanging. Here she once portrayed a certain gallant buyer in the faces: - Please tell me...- here he bends down to supposedly read the name, puts it in the neckline, inhales the fragrance of perfume with pleasure, - m-m-m! Marina Valeryevna, is there any on sale... She answers. He asks the following question: - And tell me more...- here he pretends that he has forgotten the name, puts it in the cleavage, inhales the fragrance of perfume with pleasure - mmm! Marina Valeryevna, the power of this device? I asked and asked, but in the end I didn't buy anything, maniac....

A summer restaurant, frantically chopping down the remaining loot from the population. Summer is short. We have to make it. In the kitchen, working silence, the background of boiling oil, the whistle of chef's knives. Special forces. Words are rarely spoken. A young cook, chopping food with a sharp knife, like older comrades, deeply cuts his finger. There is no time to be distracted. One of the cooks standing next to him presses his hand to the table, wipes it with a napkin, squeezes out half a lemon, staples the cut, wraps it with paper tape: - Say thank you that you are not a milling machine operator. The cook puts on a rubber glove. Everything took 7 seconds. The work continues. After a minute, the scullion clears his throat: - Will it heal quickly...

Like many people, I was not spared a fashionable disease called covid. Before that, I was at home from the effects of another illness. Everything was going well, with improvement. But the temperature rose. Immediately diagnosed and hospitalized in a specialized hospital. On the eighth day, I was discharged with an improvement in all tests. Now at home. My wife warned me to answer calls from unknown numbers. They will call from different organizations. The first call came from a female doctor who should be monitoring my condition remotely. I asked him not to do it again, because I need peace. With a sense of noticeable satisfaction, she immediately agreed. The next one was a guy who introduced himself as an employee of a well-known controlling and regulating...

This could be called a discovery, if not for a series of preliminary coincidences of circumstances. I even wanted to write a scientific work: "How to cure alcoholism with alcohol". But then I changed my mind, although I will share it with you. And it all started with a berry that grows in certain areas of the Far East. It is called scientifically krasnika, and in the common people klopovka. Most likely for the specific smell released by it during collection, when climbing on moss hummocks, the collector accidentally crushes it with his knees and other parts of the body. The crackling and pungent smell gave it this folk name. And nature has given unique therapeutic qualities for lowering blood pressure. Its preparation was carried out by an organization...

From 1967 to 1976, my wife's uncle, the brother of her mother, worked as a mechanic on the aircraft IL-18. Uncle Yura, told me the story. the Flight was the most common Moscow-Khabarovsk direct, but with refuelling in Krasnoyarsk. Flight time hours, hell knows, all from the wind depends. Landing in Krasnoyarsk, and adding too time consuming. Fly from Krasnoyarsk recruited cruising altitude. Commander, said: guys, I'm going to the bathroom, I pee! What happens urgent radio operator to send me. Only commander left in the cabin there was a smell of burning insulation. The crew tried to find the source of fire, but could not. Sent to the bathroom where I sat in the commander, radio operator. radio operator runs to the toilet, where sits the commander and the...

Yesterday's sketch... Enjoyed increased user attention... Again, moving from right to left and vice versa ... I'm standing on the landing, between the first and third floors. Up the stairs goes our "first deputy of the most important". From above, one yells that it is urgent... The second one from the bottom, which is even more urgent for her... :))) I stand and listen with pleasure to the arguments of each of them... The first deputy asks what's going on... I tell him that everyone above the rank-and-file feels like a director, and he's actually watching the battle of the directors... The deputy laughs and goes on... As a result, I go to the third one, who politely asked for the first one...

Inspired by the story of 14 Aug about the orange shirt of the Dutch national team. I was Hanging out in Buenos Aires, bought myself a jacket. All jackets were on the back the names of the football clubs. Local I take poosteregsya, chose a neutral, I thought, "real Madrid." Schazz! Two or three times a day, someone whistled at me or yelled "real Madrid" and something ryflowane certainly offensive, Argentinian slang I'm not thoroughly learned. Ran to the dressmaker, was asked to close the inscription with patch matching color. - Ek you manage! reproached dressmaker. - "Real Madrid"! - what's the matter? - I asked. - the Team is weak, but with claims, explained the dressmaker. - Are you totally not interested in football? In Argentina you can't !

How I treated teeth. it Happened story with me in 1996, the year I came back from the army and in the fatal accident was forgotten in the military part of the passport. So it was that when I called in the Russian tradition of arranged wires and usually in the morning a deranged drunk. But my mother the man from the USSR fearing that I for this reason will not be called, collected me responsible and also put my passport in the bag. Still don't understand how he left me, as all the colleagues say that have passed him in the military. But it was not there in part I arrived with the passport, and told me to put it in an envelope and hand in to headquarters. And of course after two years service when I was discharged I about him and remembered. But the story is...

Heard third-hand, so the bike Bar well-known Swiss hotels, sit 2 very "warm" client from abroad. - You understand, well, I want this amendment, well, dead without it! - Yes, you too understand, I'm trying! You do not try, you run! - I understand, but to work very hard, but I am suffering it is! - Yes you fucking suffer in his Bentley. - Mikhalych, in nature - put yourself in my place! - Yes, easy! - Easy? You for the last 5 years at least once PI..dy gave? - No of course! Well I have the protection of the Kalash! - Yes me too! Only I, unlike you with you to work can not take! I your amendments 2 times in turnips this month flew, and I was kicked from school, never received!

A veteran of the sea. It was a very tired ship. Its masts, derricks and the body itself seemed to say, "I'm old! Why do I continue to torture and forced to crawl from one port to another?!" In the vehicle, despite the impact of numerous repairs and upgrades, you can still guess the original silhouette of the legendary "liberty" - the mass transport during the Second world war. The American shipyard has done these ships an incredible amount, bringing total production of all types of vessels up to three units per day by the middle of the war. Quality hastily made ships was disgusting, especially in the early series. In essence, the ship type liberty, officially designed for five years of operation was one-off and pays for its construction in the first flight...

On Christmas day 1991 the Soviet Union collapsed suddenly several years he rotted from the head and crumbled on the edges. Some crumbling parts of the vast country wanted to go forward on the spiral of history, while others wanted to go back for a couple of turns in the past. At the end of 1988 the Supreme Soviet of the Estonian SSR added another letter "n" in the name of their capital, and Tallinn, becoming Tallinnas, sounded quite Estonian. A year and a half the Parliament of the Federal Republic regained its old blue-black-white flag as a national symbol. In those days, once in the summer, we stood in Holtenau, waiting for their turn to pass through the Kiel canal. Lag to our Board moored Estonian steamer, which was to go into a transaction with us. the...

Do You sing? I used to go to Gelsomino. The corona song "Nightingale grove". Oh, how emotionally I was singing! Threw their hands expressively walked around the room, sometimes danced. Happiness over the edge! From my performance of Sofia Rotaru and Edita would be admired let the tears of emotion. But there's always a "but". I came as usual, ordered a few songs and almost tripped on the first line. Someone nastily and loudly croaked into the microphone. I looked around and continued. Maybe equipment is faulty? But no, everything was as before. All the easier. Got sick and lost my voice Jacques, the Golden voice of Gelsomino, singing along and pulling the most desperate customers. I put the microphone on the table and with a burning face and ran to the exit....

Checks on the roads. there would be No happiness, Yes the misfortune helped: the entire epidemic was I heightened threat of the transmission of the virus. is Not common, but a regular danger of Contracting the disease and infect loved ones and forced to live in isolation, visiting family and grandchildren were cancelled until the moment when I, first, asymptomatic for two weeks, secondly, without contact with the virus patients, more than two weeks. that has not happened since the epidemic began — and did not foresee the grandchildren were growing up, talking to me on Fastin — ersatz-communication, "sand — not a good substitute for oats" and grandchildren have to squeeze and breathe them, you yourself already know me... Prospects to see family my daughter...

In every home library there are books that do not touch and do not open. Recently decided to do some rearranging in the bookcase. From the first volume of an English classic, of course in Russian translation, I dropped the sheet of paper, half opisany numbers. Upon closer examination noticed that they are written in a column. Very reminiscent of the encrypted message. I remembered that in my Soviet childhood, among adults there was a tradition to give birthday friends a couple of lottery tickets. Seems modest, but tasteful, and all of a sudden. Moreover, among the giver, there was an unspoken rule to take the numbers give lottery tickets. All of a sudden. Never heard that someone won on those gifts. I can't remember when it stopped making, but to find a...

Children in the summer I live with my grandmother in the village. And before this summer, all winter got a question: - You're a slingshot will do? - Yes, do it, do it, then... Thought forget, but no, he came to the village, recalled. Had the next time you visit you bring a rubber, a leather jacket, silk thread and build them a catapult, directly into their eyes. Stones on the shore Tom of the sea. Taught them to shoot. Twenty minutes of training, the slingshot was thrown indifferently. I'm sure it was, well, not suit them slingshot - girls 8 and 10 years. At next visit ask: - Well, what? Shot? No, her grandmother had hidden... - You that she broke something? - No, she said that my grandfather may childhood in one place to be played...