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Entertainment / Humor

A dozen new stories. Anecdotes from Russia.

Jokes from Russia - the most funny jokes, stories, sayings and phrases, poems, cartoons, and other humor. Go from 8 November 1995. Compiler Dima Verner

Found 1039 items

Inspired by the story of 14 Aug about the orange shirt of the Dutch national team. I was Hanging out in Buenos Aires, bought myself a jacket. All jackets were on the back the names of the football clubs. Local I take poosteregsya, chose a neutral, I thought, "real Madrid." Schazz! Two or three times a day, someone whistled at me or yelled "real Madrid" and something ryflowane certainly offensive, Argentinian slang I'm not thoroughly learned. Ran to the dressmaker, was asked to close the inscription with patch matching color. - Ek you manage! reproached dressmaker. - "Real Madrid"! - what's the matter? - I asked. - the Team is weak, but with claims, explained the dressmaker. - Are you totally not interested in football? In Argentina you can't !

How I treated teeth. it Happened story with me in 1996, the year I came back from the army and in the fatal accident was forgotten in the military part of the passport. So it was that when I called in the Russian tradition of arranged wires and usually in the morning a deranged drunk. But my mother the man from the USSR fearing that I for this reason will not be called, collected me responsible and also put my passport in the bag. Still don't understand how he left me, as all the colleagues say that have passed him in the military. But it was not there in part I arrived with the passport, and told me to put it in an envelope and hand in to headquarters. And of course after two years service when I was discharged I about him and remembered. But the story is...

Heard third-hand, so the bike Bar well-known Swiss hotels, sit 2 very "warm" client from abroad. - You understand, well, I want this amendment, well, dead without it! - Yes, you too understand, I'm trying! You do not try, you run! - I understand, but to work very hard, but I am suffering it is! - Yes you fucking suffer in his Bentley. - Mikhalych, in nature - put yourself in my place! - Yes, easy! - Easy? You for the last 5 years at least once PI..dy gave? - No of course! Well I have the protection of the Kalash! - Yes me too! Only I, unlike you with you to work can not take! I your amendments 2 times in turnips this month flew, and I was kicked from school, never received!

A veteran of the sea. It was a very tired ship. Its masts, derricks and the body itself seemed to say, "I'm old! Why do I continue to torture and forced to crawl from one port to another?!" In the vehicle, despite the impact of numerous repairs and upgrades, you can still guess the original silhouette of the legendary "liberty" - the mass transport during the Second world war. The American shipyard has done these ships an incredible amount, bringing total production of all types of vessels up to three units per day by the middle of the war. Quality hastily made ships was disgusting, especially in the early series. In essence, the ship type liberty, officially designed for five years of operation was one-off and pays for its construction in the first flight...

On Christmas day 1991 the Soviet Union collapsed suddenly several years he rotted from the head and crumbled on the edges. Some crumbling parts of the vast country wanted to go forward on the spiral of history, while others wanted to go back for a couple of turns in the past. At the end of 1988 the Supreme Soviet of the Estonian SSR added another letter "n" in the name of their capital, and Tallinn, becoming Tallinnas, sounded quite Estonian. A year and a half the Parliament of the Federal Republic regained its old blue-black-white flag as a national symbol. In those days, once in the summer, we stood in Holtenau, waiting for their turn to pass through the Kiel canal. Lag to our Board moored Estonian steamer, which was to go into a transaction with us. the...

Do You sing? I used to go to Gelsomino. The corona song "Nightingale grove". Oh, how emotionally I was singing! Threw their hands expressively walked around the room, sometimes danced. Happiness over the edge! From my performance of Sofia Rotaru and Edita would be admired let the tears of emotion. But there's always a "but". I came as usual, ordered a few songs and almost tripped on the first line. Someone nastily and loudly croaked into the microphone. I looked around and continued. Maybe equipment is faulty? But no, everything was as before. All the easier. Got sick and lost my voice Jacques, the Golden voice of Gelsomino, singing along and pulling the most desperate customers. I put the microphone on the table and with a burning face and ran to the exit....

Checks on the roads. there would be No happiness, Yes the misfortune helped: the entire epidemic was I heightened threat of the transmission of the virus. is Not common, but a regular danger of Contracting the disease and infect loved ones and forced to live in isolation, visiting family and grandchildren were cancelled until the moment when I, first, asymptomatic for two weeks, secondly, without contact with the virus patients, more than two weeks. that has not happened since the epidemic began — and did not foresee the grandchildren were growing up, talking to me on Fastin — ersatz-communication, "sand — not a good substitute for oats" and grandchildren have to squeeze and breathe them, you yourself already know me... Prospects to see family my daughter...

In every home library there are books that do not touch and do not open. Recently decided to do some rearranging in the bookcase. From the first volume of an English classic, of course in Russian translation, I dropped the sheet of paper, half opisany numbers. Upon closer examination noticed that they are written in a column. Very reminiscent of the encrypted message. I remembered that in my Soviet childhood, among adults there was a tradition to give birthday friends a couple of lottery tickets. Seems modest, but tasteful, and all of a sudden. Moreover, among the giver, there was an unspoken rule to take the numbers give lottery tickets. All of a sudden. Never heard that someone won on those gifts. I can't remember when it stopped making, but to find a...

Children in the summer I live with my grandmother in the village. And before this summer, all winter got a question: - You're a slingshot will do? - Yes, do it, do it, then... Thought forget, but no, he came to the village, recalled. Had the next time you visit you bring a rubber, a leather jacket, silk thread and build them a catapult, directly into their eyes. Stones on the shore Tom of the sea. Taught them to shoot. Twenty minutes of training, the slingshot was thrown indifferently. I'm sure it was, well, not suit them slingshot - girls 8 and 10 years. At next visit ask: - Well, what? Shot? No, her grandmother had hidden... - You that she broke something? - No, she said that my grandfather may childhood in one place to be played...

Recorded grandfather for a free haircut from any of the Institute. The time went, liked it. Signed another. in six Months was like suddenly he began cutting neighbors and friends. And so well, efficiently. they began to recommend to friends, began to cut for the money, bought the equipment, the grandmother sent the first free haircut, then to courses in the same Institute. In General, flooded the business. Ask how so? You're just a free haircut went! So, he says, imagine a hall in which 10 women that the guys in haircut not understand. And every teacher at 10-20 times explains how to cut correctly. they do not understand, he explains and shows. now, watched and learned. Well, and teachers during this time I asked around a little, to buy a better even cut...

Well, hooked me theme cat-dog pickles: I remembered a story. I have a good friend, in the Soviet years he worked at the poultry farm. In the period of General scarcity he drove to our office "holiday sets", so one of our leaders even joked: "Yes, I know him, his love to our ladies for the great eggs!". The egg was really large, not like the store )) now, he once told me that his factory regularly sends its products to Germany. "The Germans buy our chicken?", — I was surprised. "Not really, he explained". It turns out, we bought all sorts of trim, for the manufacture of dog and cat food. So, loading and dispatch of each truck personally supervised by the Director together with the chief technologist and the rest of the guidance carefully checked perfection...

Just answer to the critics: all that can be said of the cheese has been said by Jerome K. Jerome, Yes, yesterday, author NM. I've no claims. So, the gaps are filled. I Went five years ago to Russia and decided to bring my brother as a gift cheese. He is we-known bat grew from childhood zvizdyuley received for regular emptying of the refrigerator from the then the quality and variety of products of the Soviet dairy industry. And then just various sanctions imposed and the uproar that, say, dying Russian people, cheese requests. Another brother to him from Holland local varieties navez Adamov all with gautami, and I thought: let, be the original. And, in addition, took on the head port Salut, and limburger. Who knows what it was, he probably shook his head...

In 2000, after the graduation, we Aydar Mu spring...assigned to work in the North of the Perm region in a penal colony. Aidar – a full-blooded Tartar, I – the father Russian, mother Ukrainian. Promised employment as engineers in the city, in the real world – sent to a distant colony of special regime, by setting the rank of Lieutenant and appointed to the captain's office, because specialists have missed. Arriving with passing trucks to the destination, came to the headquarters, introduced himself to the head of the OIC (Association of penal colonies), won seats in the hostel and pass in the residential and industrial zones. The village was small, almost all the shops belonged to the representatives of the Armenian Diaspora, and the main Kommersant – in the...

Go with a friend and his family to the country. From the rain all the roads, except the asphalt, turned into a horrible mess. not Far from the house, a friend decides to cut off and turn on the primer. goes to Meet the man in the raincoat, rubber boots and a fishing rod. Saw us and began to wave his hands to stop. -"you better Turn back." says. But at a friend's jeep, waved, go. 500 Meters across and sat down firmly, pushed, dug - all to no avail. in about 3 Hours the same man rides past on a tractor. it Slowing down, tearfully begging to get us on the road. Catches a cable, and is sad so speaks: -"How do you zaebali!"

Leafing through an old page... a Few years ago — I told you about my visit to the colony of lepers that occurred as much as a quarter of a century ago. the Story attracted the interest, to my surprise, she became interested in other sites and it has caused quite a lively debate. One of the heroes of history was father Damien, a Catholic priest, who came to the colony to care for lepers and to improve disgusting and cruel situation of these seriously ill people. And one soldier in the field — he did it! moreover, the conditions in this forced the colony improved — he was able to change the attitude of society and government to the problem of leprosy patients. housing and churches with his own hands and bandaging the wounds of lepers — from day to day for...