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Entertainment / Humor

A dozen new stories. Anecdotes from Russia.

Jokes from Russia - the most funny jokes, stories, sayings and phrases, poems, cartoons, and other humor. Go from 8 November 1995. Compiler Dima Verner

Found 1359 items

When my daughter was born she immediately refused the pacifier, bringing the first time problems when supplemental foods. two years she was well spoken, knew a few letters. Ate soup and loved the barbecue. But "wanted on the tit". This "wanting" can occur late at night, and even in public transport, causing the blush to her mother. we Went on the train to our compartment sat a family with a boy the same age as his daughter. The boy tirelessly rattled in his gibberish, not even his parents didn't understand. The daughter listened, and then said to him: "What are you rumble? Can't you see that adults don't understand?" The boy fell silent. After a time daughter "wanted". the boy watched in silence and after her "dinner" that is said in your language. After...

Repaired the utilities in our village, something in the transformer. Well, there was no electricity, then there. All would be good. But soon discovered that there is no hot water. There is light, and no water. And we have electricity. Look the system does not work. Calling the service, there are all busy, can not come. Try remotely. Explain what doesn't work, add about a transformer. Yeah, they say, is that the would-be electricians messed up phase. And our three-phase system and in such cases does not work. If so, just swap any two wires and it should work. If it is a phase, of course. Changed. Worked. The house of Parliament. But a neighbor (we all have the same Autonomous system) did not look into the inside of the heating system and to find out what...

According to other. Professionalism, as they say, do not cut. we began military training, trained in us air defense officers. Most of the time we spend on studying electronics anti-missile system. The complex was old and (it still powers was shot down) in the tubes. Diagram sheets of paper glued on cardboard the size of the meter at 40 cm. Each such scheme was full of symbols of tubes, resistors, capacitors, diodes. I'm a theoretical physicist, I termeh know math, and those lights for the first time in my life. But it is necessary to teach the physics of it is possible to fill up and the Commissar is not. Examination we took the Colonel, the pilot, like not drunk yet, but I'm sober him, in my opinion, never seen. He with a happy smile asleep, and I...

A Friend told. Came to me Olga with her lover. Let says we have you paratuses until tomorrow. Well, we sat and drank wine, I went to bed, and they on hygiene procedures in the bathroom. After 15 minutes of bath op almost on the ultrasound, lover yells. Anticipating, it for a causal place and she kept blowing him back. It turned out, decided Kremik to anoint that delicious smell. Took cream for weight loss red pepper... Okay, calm down I'm going to sleep, they love to play. 15 minutes later again op, now Olga yells. Go ask: che again, and she spits and rinses her mouth. That kind of love was a friend.

Traveled my friends on the camper in Northern Norway. Drove through Finland, back in Denmark. In the summer of course. The roads are excellent, tundra, empty, drawn to philosophy. Met more tourists than locals. Stayed overnight there, where it was interesting. One such stop was chosen on the seafront with some frames for drying fish. Dried fish, there are no people. Bread, salt, beer with me. Dinner is served, so to speak. the conversation turned. About the width and depth, about the big world and the little our country. Somehow out of place a traveler may put the old album: “how we are all bad, as these guys are screwing up the country and how much will endure”. Well, it is very elegant gagged: - Hey you, eat stolen fish and teach others to live. Maybe...

Here's another thought. About Siberian mentality. I was still small. Brezhnev of the USSR, we came to relatives in Moscow. The people in the house arrived, still had to catch up, so father sent to the market for potatoes. Before that, of course, took a little bit. In short, handed him a small bag-pobirushko said where the market is and forward. On the way dad figured Siberian: how many people, how many stopped, etc. When the folder is returned, the Muscovites were stunned – he bought the whole bucket(!) potatoes. To a question, say, why the heck so when I was asked only 2-3 kg, short answer: - so eat so eat! A lot of us. I Think we can smile? The wigwam! He fries ALONG WITH a BUCKET of 12 liter bought, because pobirushko does not fit. PS: to the restaurant...

Inspired by a story about a concert on election day. the Mid-seventies, I was still a schoolboy was. Regular elections. The polling station in our village club. In the next hall there is a concert local performers. And then recently in "the time Machine", a new song appeared, and our village, VIA decided to include a new product in your repertoire. Sounded in the day of the election from the stage: "Today is the best day, Let flags hover over shelves! Today is the best day — Today the battle with fools!..." the people in the room had a reserved smile, people liked the song. But the part of VIA soon almost completely changed.

Fly Agaric as a means of communication God knows that something wrong is going on in our beloved state. The diarrhea, the scrofula, the pension reform that flood the news, though not see, and, most importantly, something happened to all the mushrooms. Honey no. Last year was - even the bags carry, this - five times I went, and all the milk. No not that honey, rotten feet cut off even seen. And that is especially suspicious, one in the woods going all confused bitches in the testimony. Then honey that's just what it was, but it was over, it was not, but here should go. The most cowardly, they just immediately begin to whine, - ere, let go, we won't do it. And then on the days the weather is good, go, not for mushrooms, even just for a ride. Food in the...

I recently wrote about how my students tragically maimed before exams. Well, with sarcasm, wrote, grieved because. And in the comments got the post about what in the world all students the same. fortunately, not all of them, more precisely, not all are like that, and want to tell the story directly opposite. Long ago, it was in 2006. Learned from my student, Vietnamese. Little, fragile. The patient with leukemia. Lectures me she came with a mobile drip, and a needle in the vein. Never complained, been a frequent visitor in my office, she really wanted to understand organic chemistry. To look at her was painful, she was sweating, her skin is olive color for half a minute could be pale green. But she always smiled. She solved my problem in this state, when...

It was in Germany It was 2-3 years ago. riding on the train. Sit, read a newspaper in German, not bothering anyone. Sat down opposite the 2 girls 20-25 years old and we began to discuss what there party on the lake... Then one began to tell how she is with her boyfriend somewhere out there near the lake in the forest lit. I hid behind the newspaper, already forgot how to breathe, so it was interesting. They did not pay attention, and I kind of don't understand. But when she reached the place where she is the fifth point in the nettles fell I broke down, whinnying the whole train... the Girls then quickly retreated, which is a pity, that so the rest of the story and not heard. None of these girls on that route was never caught. But now I know for sure that...

Military Department, late ' 80s ------------------------------ there was a tradition to exam our students for taking exam officers "set the table", nothing special: a plate of cakes from the student canteen, apples, a pitcher of juice or kvass. Where did this tradition have no idea in other universities of the city about this not even heard of... On this same thread there were a couple raspi-Daev that this tradition somewhat "modernized". Snacks - zero, but a carafe full of vodka. The view looks poor: on an empty table stands lonely a carafe of water and glasses. the Teacher, looking at this empty table winced, and the first dealer Kaa-AAK let's drive on the subject is much wider and deeper than the asked in the ticket. A guy like and know all "a" s, but...

On a country pond in summer, swam, went in the waiting Slippers, and a bottle mineralochki cold. Open it, it hisses from under the tube. This sound jumps Radusageyyyymm stopyatdesyat weighing under a kilo, looked around and lay back. Not thick and healthy. I under his gaze of all the saints commemorated. The sun is not planned. So, cool off, dry off and on. Sit. A lady is very attractive, but more Adosagerecommeny. Sits down and playfully me considering poltorashku Penn pulls out, twists the tube. Heard "zilch" and jumps Radusageyyyymm: Tom, stop drinking the water! Innocent eyes with a reproach look. Of lips is heard: Since I only have three SIP... - yeah, from the seventh bottle! - Well, nick... Under purring Kolya turns away and once again becomes...

I'm not afraid of injections. that's Why are not you afraid that I somehow had to do more intramuscular than two hundred consecutive healthy men the night in winter summer camp in the Ural woods. With all this, I am an engineer and medicine before were only like from her victim. Chelyabinsk oblast and neighboring Bashkortostan - endemic areas for tick-borne encephalitis. Make unvaccinated people to work in nature and elsewhere of oil pipelines reason not to navigate, ' not quite a crime, but a very big risk, both for them and for guidance. And two hundred men suddenly as the first snow, due for revaccination. The vaccine with the solvent full refrigerator, and stabbing nobody. That is, girls in the attendants pionerlagerya is. Beautiful. But what about the...

To the story about the blindness. Was in the beginning in our village plumber. His life philosophy was: there will neovintage bolt, where the nut will nedocromil - and always well-fed and drunk. In conditions of monopoly among the village grandmothers it worked: obscene words in his address said a lot, but it didn't change anything, another specialist in rural water supply was not. So one day, as they say, we have seen the changed sanitary fittings in a clean shirt, washed, relatively clean shaven and, most importantly, SOBER. It turned out, a couple of days ago able much write in the evening he could not reach home without remembering how we went into someone's bath, climbed the shelves and fell asleep. Woke up, the darkness, lying on the Board, side...

Something about evil spirits and other poltergeist After the divorce the wife, Roma, to practice the principle " Though a kennel, but in the center!" bought a small apartment on Prospekt Mira, and the unassuming Roma for the remainder groshiki purchased first got. Got Roma apartment on the outskirts of the count in the suburbs. Not even to the apartment, and half of the house. There are, you know, a typical semi-detached house built in Soviet times. This unpretentious at first glance the property had from the point of view of Roma a number of advantages. First, like it or not, a full kopeck piece. Private entrance. A piece of land, fenced front garden. No neighbors, not counting the half-a lonely old woman behind the wall. Two steps to work. And most...