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Entertainment / Humor

A dozen new stories. Anecdotes from Russia.

Jokes from Russia - the most funny jokes, stories, sayings and phrases, poems, cartoons, and other humor. Go from 8 November 1995. Compiler Dima Verner

Found 1707 items

Albion. Daughter got a temporary job in a call center, when known of the company that owns the local Ala six flags. The only one in the whole of London. Madame Tussauds, incidentally, also belongs to them. Among the conditions, which were listed on the first day of work was the following: on a visit to the toilet per day is given no more than 5 minutes. If the number of minutes of his visit exceeds the mentioned number in the next day of the number five is subtracted the corresponding number of minutes. this company, which monopolized the country many entertainment venues.

Team ski came an unknown boy about fifteen years old and asked me to take him to international competitions. Saying that love skiing, trains every day to exhaustion, the command will not fail and the gold medal will produce, no matter what effort it takes. Of course, it did not take though, and praised. But the young man was stubborn, wandering around, begged, convinced. Coach broke down and gave him a chance, inviting them to perform in pre-season qualifying marathon. Explaining that there are running only the master and the deserved master of sports of the international class and if he will break into the national team, the road is open. Well, since the offseason is the summer, you will need to run on roller skis on the asphalt at 50 km. the Marathon...

In the early 90s together with his wife went to see her relative, a lonely grandmother. Something, sitting drinking tea. Came a neighbor, a woman about forty. It is also something brought to her. Grandma invited her to sit with us. She was talkative, full of folk sayings. Soon said goodbye and left. Grandma told me that she, almost alone, pulls the entire family. The husband is often sick. Opposite my grandmother's house was a huge Central market. Her roommate came up with a job there. She and her chair sat before the door of a public toilet. Everyone entering said toilet now paid. Paid all of that amount was rather symbolic. But due to the large turnover balance was very positive. Then I remember my wife even laughed, because that's what it is. Later, when...

How I became a mathematician. In the third year, when us inexperienced students, divided into departments and attached supervisors, my new boss first asked me: - Yuri, You're in the school, French is studied? "Yes," I said innocently. Great. Here's an article in Italian (it is very similar to French), will be examined. the Rest of his new students - my classmate - chief was puzzled about the same job. - Vladimir Igorevich,- asked one of us what is possible in the library to take to read on the subject? the Chief frowned with displeasure. - If on this subject it was possible to take something to read in the library, to do it it would be interesting, ' he replied and after some thought he added, Although there's a Professor in Israel, he, too, has been...

In 1973, the artist of the Soyuzmultfilm max Zherebchikova - who later became known as the Moshe Ariel - very lucky. Through friends of friends was able to meet with one sailor in the Soviet merchant fleet, which was sold to max Opel Cadet in 1966 - almost new foreign car by the standards. But max's joy was very short - just a couple weeks from the machine removed the two front wheels. The newly minted motorist sad: it was not even in financial losses, and that is to find suitable parts for this model was almost impossible. Max strained all the friends, acquaintances, thinking about where to get new "legs" for its swallows almost around the clock - but all in vain. Zherebkivsky at the time was Director Vasily Livanov - the Sherlock Holmes, Yes - on the...

Any teacher, for many years working in the school, in the subject - how have multiplied in recent times, little children-social idiots with their mothers, euglenida knowledge about the correct and healthy upbringing for their beloved children. Every moron and the Prosecutor know that children should not be punished, otherwise their tender, raised with such labour psyche - could collapse and who knows what will grow. But with new developments grows we know that - two-legged human shit. As it was previously in our horrible socialist camp childhood - for meanness, rudeness, greediness, boasting, lies - always flew hard across the face the response from the boys. One for all and all for one, and if someone will shit the educational procedure in the end and on...

Patients sometimes run away from psihbolnitsy. Some shoots have been frankly ridiculous. the Case of the recent was 6 days ago in country office of chronic mental patients. this Morning on the rise, one patient with imbecility, the lady of elderly appearance and a large circumference, they balked, did not want to clean and wash; the nurse snapped at her, and she responded by saying that she has rights. "What are your rights?" - angrily asked the nurse. "This... this... This... Right...". When he brought Breakfast this sick and slipped out the door and went for a walk. Wearing only one sneaker. And that's all. And I'm out of body, go with the securities in the receiver to transfer duty and meet men, hospital Technotronic, go and talk among themselves: "Guys,...

Hospital. All of the offices are installing some new equipment. It is brought on a weekly basis. As a warehouse installers were given a room that was once a morgue. But their only specialist installer was "net" and the equipment began to accumulate. Sent a man, a small head, propesochit lazy. the Specialist was sitting in the doctor's office, there was a reception, and he slowly did their work, none of it did not know of the long queue waiting outside and knew only of the presence in the doctor's office. Important step came sent head. He was obviously nervous, opening the door and seeing his subordinate, he from the doorway, not entering, began berating him: - You can't even imagine how all are extremely dissatisfied with your terrible job, it's a terrible...

Alas, how macho I am overdue for seven years. A beautiful wife and loves me understand what the hell. I'm 52, life is arranged. What else can a man to quietly meet an old age? Rarely meet a girl smiles and interested female eyes. Well, do not care. I tea with them to drink no more and butterfly collection not be considered. However, the football championship has turned all my ideas about beauty. Me again began to look girls! Any age! Hundreds! Started to feel woozy as the Sultan. Blazer and his harem on the new lisaped just presented to the English Queen. Hastily shaking off the moss from the ears and distractedly throwing a smile in reply, thinking - what the hell? Where I was born so nevyana attraction? it is clear that the best matrimonial service forces...

Asked You a tale for the summer? To read, the main, and then retell. I think asking everyone, but of all my younger children pleased me most of all. so, says the house clean, cleaned the girl hid, because a bunch of unfamiliar men. the tale of the dead Princess and the 7 bogatyrs. To clear my conscience I will say that about the sun, the moon and the wind and the Prince of Elisha, he also said, but I am calm, if the house will be a bunch of strange men, my vtoroklashke they will not find. Pushkin knows how to teach children self-defense. About Andersen I, too, thought at first well. Until I found out what a Mermaid washed up on the shore, and then she opened her eyes and saw the Prince. But she could not speak, so he took her by the hand and they left...

Go understand these women... Sunday woke up, nothing to do, decided to go to the store to see what's at the liquor store sell. Wife saw that says: "Buy-yogurt-fruit-meat-tomato-vodka-not-take-bread." Well,of course I was surprised, because women don't like to be second place, because my relationship with vodka she doesn't like, especially in the morning - jealous. Besides, why remind I for all 6 months of living together isn't ever forgotten to buy vodka? So this time I went and bought yogurt, fruit, meat, tomatoes, vodka, bread is not taken. Come home, the first question is: "Bread bought?"

In Ufa, we with the friend took matzah. With all due respect, that is. We had the stuffed pike on the book "Jewish cuisine", bought in a remote village Aznagulov. Despite the remoteness in the General store of the village but vodka was a book Department with two books. "Jewish cuisine" the unknown authors of the Chelyabinsk publishing house and "Der Proceß" Kafka in German. Bought everything. From these books we really liked the recipe for pork cracklings and Franz Kafka formally had the fried pork fat nothing. Cracklings, pork rinds, and learn to read, we started with the stuffed pikes, because it's a great start, able to reconcile the Arab with Jew, and me with Kafka in German. So, in the Chelyabinsk version of the Jewish recipe for some pole consisted of...

Storyteller I Have a granddaughter, Eugene. Now she is 12. Becomes an adult, serious. And from an early age was unrestrained imaginative. Here are a couple of examples to you, dear readers, have an idea about the little talents of the storyteller. 2.5 years. Walk. Running toward the big dog, without a master, without a muzzle. - Jack, be careful not to have the dog "woof!" to speak(sometimes!), she didn't like, gets mad, could bite. - Yes I zzznew! I cadata dog pirwala, parassala, pogranicze! you Hear a stifled moan, I look up and see the stunned woman, strongly rounded eyes looking at the child. Well, Yes, the picture is ugly daubed, God forbid,... 5 years. The clinic was given a referral to the immunologist. Jack called my mom, told. What? I didn't hear...

Friends have lived long in India, periodically traveled there by train. Once arrived at the station. To waste is five minutes. Go slowly, you know, that certainly delayed. Not even probably, but exactly. Being late to clock - the norm. And suddenly I hear an announcement: number so and so sent such and such a way. It freaked me out: as it never was. That can happen? And if the war? For example, with Pakistan. But then found out that the train yesterday. Immediately was relieved. Relaxed, cheered. To celebrate, even tossed a few rupees to a snake handler, who usually gave a concert at the entrance to the station and once, without waiting for them to fee for the performance, angrily chased up to the platform, trying to whip a Cobra..

From the "insanity of our town": Sent to us at graduation practice a couple of students from a leading Russian University. Then he diplomas they began to write by the example of our factory (something like "the Modernization of small-scale production in large scale"). And so the work came to completion, signatures obtained, the date the defense is scheduled. It seemed that they can only report to learn some time trial protection in front of your friends/acquaintances to do it, but here I sit watching the day before the defense, these two guys are gloomy and passionately discussing something, and with parallel editing text notes. Asked what happened to them... what happened was they have a "check for plagiarism". Some of our visocosity leaders decided not to...