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Entertainment / Humor

A dozen new stories. Anecdotes from Russia.

Jokes from Russia - the most funny jokes, stories, sayings and phrases, poems, cartoons, and other humor. Go from 8 November 1995. Compiler Dima Verner

Found 697 items

Mystic , I went to my parents at the cottage to throw hartishek. And we have from the villas to the main road 16 km away. Bus is that rarely people are turning who can ride. And turned here and see grandma quietly trudges on the road. I stopped -Get ride -Thank you son. Grandma got into the car and drove tampered And villas 5 km the village is small . Went to see her -Thank you Sonny here I come. I stopped. Grandma getting out to me and says, -Waiting for you son good luck and great happiness in his personal life -Thank you grandma. And Choate also happens to be my roommate objevila that she is pregnant. Of course, I was delighted. It is possible and to consider marriage and then there's the project as much as our military has taken and is money good. Boss...

I had two uncles: uncle Roma and uncle Oleg. In the early ' 80s people actively interesovalsya books, got to pull passed the trash, bought with hands, exchanged... Roma worked in the research Institute and was engaged in the subscription, so was able to get books, and Oleg was an ordinary mechanic in a factory. Once he took the ROMs of a book, such as Maurice Druon, and did not return. "You've read? And then I have others ask?" - gently asked the Roma. "Yes, but not going to return. Ready to pay you its price at face value." - hit him with Oleg. "that's rich!" - outraged uncle Roma. And then uncle Oleg said: "And why can't I buy the book that you got through your love Affairs? Want to sue!" All the relatives were terribly indignant, but I saw a reason in...

Came with her daughter to play in the sandbox, and next to it a volleyball court. Look, a little man in a kimono with the children engaged. I think is a good thing, the sport we always say "Hello!". Watching them, you realize that it teaches them to defend against a knife. Some children are very young. The youngest was seven or eight years. The oldest was 12-13. So myself, I think the idea is to engage in battle with a man with a knife. My mind voiced the local outcast, who, interrupting the sermons of the coach, said, "Lads, you see a knife - run, as on the toilet with diarrhea". And it has nothing to do with this add...

Benya Krik and mother-in-law. to Start with the recognition of his failure: Benzion Creek training would not yield. Benya — tall blue-eyed brunette was named after the famous bandit from the "Odessa stories" Babel. As it turned out — not in vain. And if you think little tiny but ill-mannered puppy Schnauzer is a gift, then you are wrong. 20 pounds of ugliness and mischief are fun only for passers-by and guests. To master it's not funny, I assure you. Nibbled walls, furniture, baseboards, cabinets, torn socks, and all this is nothing compared to the fun at the walk!! to Yank the leash, pulling sharply to the side, tangling the leashes of their sisters and to overturn them on the ground, dragging these infractions paled in comparison with the mad enthusiasm...

We Have on the ship "davidnyc" was not yet, and the panic was already. "there on the beach? Whether even healthy people and when they start turning into vampires and zombies?" - these questions are increasingly worried about the team after watching the next newscast. This happened "in our day": unplanned entry into North America. In the port of the city, where a particularly bright flash of a global pandemic, and other delights in a leap year. The crew, having heard in the media about personal protective equipment and social distance, decided to prepare. Imagine the situation: at passport control in the port duty black immigration officer. Suddenly, it burst into a crowd of pale-faced burly men in masks and in the hands of all... a shovel. One of them...

God bless America Imagine that United States of America suddenly vanished. Well, flew to the moon! And that we in Russia would do? What would say; whoever denounced or admired someone secretly? What'd cracked TV? And whoever talked Putin, do not be in the presence of the American President? Russian foreign policy in General would vanish, for its basis is the belief that the world rests on the hostility-cooperation with America. As we would not want to drive away this unpleasant thought, but America has become of our system "paper clip". When the exhaustion of unifying ideas, America as a "threat" helps to mobilize the people around the leader, causing him to forget about their needs. Americans as "the enemy" cannot be replaced by no other nation. To see in...

Many years ago, on the border of the Urals and Siberia, there lived a boy Serezha. In the provinces the people are simple, life is modest and the roads are bad everywhere dusty and when the rain – dirty. And he dreamed about how to live in a big city, called him by name, and everywhere was nice and clean. As time passed, he grew up, joined the party of power. Now he's the mayor of a very large city, his name is Mr mayor and the entire city is lined with paving tiles, which each year it shifts. Gazprom – dreams come true. It is a pity only, what not all.

Sitting in front of me an old man, all kind of showing and physical illness, and mental suffering. A lawyer, IMHO, like the doctor, must be a bit of a psychologist because of the good life, neither the one nor the other just usually do not come. so this client threshold complains ex-wife. And I in General understand. He happened to get sick, so stayed in bed for many months. Lies to yourself, not bothering anyone, and the wife nags and nags, and more and more. Found a lover, to hide did not become. Went to the meeting with the words "but who are you a disabled person needed!". And caught this guy so that he gathered all the courage and decided to recover. Much or how little time had passed, but he began to walk, and autonomy returned. And the wife does not...

"Sometimes for happiness you have to struggle even to himself" - this quote could be the motto for most immigrants. By itself, the immigration flows easily in only units, for the most part, going through all phases of this process, the person builds character and overall is a lot of personal metamorphosis. Most often, the path to the promised passports for a long, costly and time-consuming... But, there are situations in which lived a man, lived, was not going anywhere and not wanted to move, but the hand of fate unbending leads into the distance. Two examples. I have a friend with the new Zealand passport, with a real kiwi accent, looks like the foreigner. But in his heart he - the, Slav. His mother after the divorce, at the age of slightly over 40...

My grandfather Sergey Shumov (left us 30 years ago) so I was raised as a child: 1. We have dinner together, eat soup, and I lay on the edge of the plate pieces of fat. Grandfather says: - Well, you're acting like a pig? All choose. And here I am acting like a real Russian pig eat everything... 2. Wake up at 12 noon. Grandfather scolds: - What are you so late getting up!? So I always get up at 6 am. Will you have some tea and then go to bed before lunch... 3. I found a cartridge and show grandfather. He looks, and then throws away in the bushes... I've found... Not found... 4. Come to the father. He's got a new cat. I ask her name? Grandfather thought and thought and replied: - Cat... 5. The grandfather says. Come with me pig to score. Will help intestine to...

...And on, I have a gift: a Lollipop. on the audit request from the taxpayer copies of the documents at a cost of approximately 6.26 million sheets. The preparation took 10 days. To extend the period of training, or see the documentation in the office of the taxpayer, or to use common sense in any other form, the tax authorities refused. And the taxpayer has taken and has applied common sense coupled with math. And with the help of simple technical devices, popularly known as the calculator, it turned out that: - to produce the required amount of documents, the taxpayer will need 100 copiers; - these copiers will be required to work in maximum 2 months from the calculation of the maximum load on one copy 30,000 sheets per month (all according to those rules...

Friend says: ...For me in the first year the boy cared. Nothing serious, spring, jokes, but when I took him by the hand, he paled. One day wasn't in the mood to kiss, he was broke, poor, almost hysterical, asked her to marry me immediately, then garbage suffered as he feels and sees in dreams. You said, two years ago, the engagement ring, so ring in the slide with the dishes between the rear wall and the mirror is, through the gap in the shelf fell. Nonsense, okay? guest I have never been there, we are from different villages in the city to study went. With the Pope, the mirror was removed and found the ring. Dad at me strangely then looked. the boy I yelled "do not want to see!" and tenth street to circumvent it. He that summer in the army left. No, never...

Mexico. One of the especially tourist cities of this interesting country. Local walmart (an American chain huge and cheap shops). I go on about their business, and suddenly see her. Tall, slender, and beautiful young girl, dressed in the latest European fashion. I've never been a fan of Mexican girls who unfortunately are too often short-legged and suffer from obesity even at a young age, so I didn't find anything else like to say out loud in admiration, "well nifiga Mexican women went". "you're a Mexican" was my response to the great and mighty of her beautiful mouth.

LACE QUIRKINESS of FATE (ALMOST PASTERNAK) five Years ago, I had half a day to fly to Sochi on a Symposium, a lecture to read. While flying, it turned out that there in a day or even some event with my performance. to fly Back and forth, too lazy, stayed there and formed me in Sochi a whole day. Thinking about plans enchanting free of killing time, remember that it seems to live in Sochi, a girl from our student of the Ufa campaign 80 years - Angela M-Jan, the real name, hussars to be silent!!), low skinny black Armenian, with a slight Eastern movements fluid and proud, almost aristocratic profile required easy aquiline nose. Thirty years of no contact, no contact... Two-three phone calls - and here's her number I have: "Anzhelka, Hello!" - "Aaaaaaaaa...

Remember: anything to give for free. No-when. Work in service repair of electronics. Sometimes baryga cinemoi appliances. With warranty, all official. Gave me the client is the legendary piece of shit Asus eeepc 701, throw it a pity. I also throw a pity, but he did not give in Fig wines with XP, 512 RAM and 4GB SSD. Brake, heated somehow, but it works. Let think will sell for 500 p Once pointed out that the laptop turns on but shit. No one calls or buys, objava on Craigslist expire. Well, to hell with it, take it for free, changed the ad. Immediately found a client came, inspected, took. Says: is this laptop the kids to the wolves. Then not much alarmed me - fuck my aunt asked documents (which essno not). it's been a month - comes with this laptop...