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Entertainment / Humor

A dozen new stories. Anecdotes from Russia.

Jokes from Russia - the most funny jokes, stories, sayings and phrases, poems, cartoons, and other humor. Go from 8 November 1995. Compiler Dima Verner

Found 697 items

Once a colleague told a funny story about his elderly mother. Here is the story from the first person. "My mother is a passionate gardener. Love to plant some new varieties, but I always had trouble with: the names of the varieties she never knows. Ask: "Is that cucumber?" She said, "Petrovna gave!". "What tomatoes?" "Mark S. seedlings shared". I decided to find out. Say, "Here, I brought you the seeds of cucumbers, a new variety, perspective, called Parent. I want you and said - "Parent" and not "daughter brought from Moscow". Mother shrugs: "the Word strange, foreign, never will." I insist: "look, the hardest word you can make easy to memorize. Adding the letter "d" turns "of Percent". Perdente easier to remember?" Mother smiles: "Yes, pertanto I'll...

Just before military service, I told his parents there that want to get married before the call. Yes, they knew I'm friends with the girl but she was still young and married to her yet.Although it radiali didn't mind.And here we are with her in the registry office came a statement to submit. Give passports. Young people, we cannot accept the application because the bride is not of age. -Well, I'm in the army and she wants to be sure back with her and I want to be sure that she'll wait for me. -Nonpositive -And there is some exception -Is the pregnancy of the bride and the consent of the parents. -you Know we will not have time to do it. -So will have to be postponed for two years. Here is a injustice to sleep together and not get married what the lady at...

Walking with a child. Saw a group of women and young children. Looking down, women lament: "poor things wings are broke", and the boys something to take pictures of the phone in the grass. Came closer. Saw swift, which tried to fly but couldn't. Without hesitation, you take it in hand. Wings entire, and he himself without damage. Lightly tossed it. Swift waved his wings and flew. you Should have seen these women and their eyes. These were people who for the first time in my life I saw a real MIRACLE. Mouths opened, and from them in a whisper: "Thank you."

Granny I have a coquette to the last day of life. Prominent in his youth in a very good position, my husband is an honorary citizen of the city. Familiar with ranks. Grandma was a looker! Always small but the heel, hats, perfume, lips painted carrot color lipstick and painted eyebrows... But then, there was an incident. She loved apples, but eat with their peel could not, because I sometimes spend too much time in your mouth slices. That false teeth did not stop to savor the apples pulled the jaw (front teeth she had, but chewing, alas). And threw away the jaw with the skin. We couldn't get her new teeth for almost 10 years. And then came her eldest son, looked at it as it in addition to cereal and tea, he ate nothing but the dentist wants resting of the...

Lenin, certainly not Lenin, but mater. Man mater. What height, what weight, what character. Then, in the eighties, rarely a meeting or even a gathering of men, could do without arranged fight. For any reason. Mostly drunk. If there was no reason, he was organized. But the dry law, as well as a few drives and a suspended sentence, broke it. He was forced to quit drinking. And threw it away. Zakodirovalis some latter-day Aesculapius. Walked angry, gloomy, looked askance at colleagues and comrades. And suddenly blossomed. And all because he had a notebook. A regular notebook. He often took out of his pocket and did some sketches. He there wrote, no one knew, but he always raised the mood. Poetry, perhaps, we thought. And these thoughts plagued many, including...

Are in the hospital after elective surgery. I feel fine, no pain, walking. But absolutely not sleep at night. Sometimes a day will taking a NAP for an hour, that's all. Complained to head office. Gave the phone to his colleagues, a psychologist. That all snapped up, so will consult by video conference. Called her on the cell phone screen looked good. Offered to tell my whole life, what work, what Hobbies, what bothers. Why did that help with insomnia it will not. While it may be something else. Started from afar that he was born in the family of an officer, often changed his residence address, school. After graduation he began working in bodies of internal Affairs, criminal investigation Department. Focused on solving murders. Saw a lot of human misery. In...

About animals. Forage base is deteriorating, of course, but by themselves they are not aggressive. If you are not hungry. According to statistics from domestic dogs more people than bears and wolves. Sitting with a fishing rod on the river, hear the wheezing, two cubs homecat my bass and me playing the climb. Children are always the children. I think they are all right, mother somewhere close by, then definitely does not collect the bones. Grab a fishing rod, a quick step from them, and they follow me. To play, play. Came out, barked. I stopped. Hands parted, that I here not and. Did you see the bear slaps kids? I was forgiven, that those who bear hunts. They are often smarter than people. Who in their stupidity are trying to fully prepared to prove that...

My business partner is one of the leaders of the private business club. The institution works in the format of "its all all about each other all know each other ready to help at least advice." Members of the club a few dozen people, it is extremely difficult - because of the idea of new people for members yet, they do so well. Partner recently decided to enter in members of club his colleague - a girl of extraordinary talent in the field of data analysis. For membership in the club she's all suitable the best specialist in the industry, rich, influential among his colleagues, has a visible achieve an exceptional level. There is only one thing - not awarded Supreme beauty. From the word at all. Frankly - dumb it's awful, without a couple of bottles of normal...

Just a thought.... We wonder where this is going and what may end the current crisis, not only in Russia but in the world, and came to the conclusion that there is a fairly simple and original solution that will greatly clear authorities and increase its efficiency. The idea is just two innovations. 1. The ability of a citizen to Express no confidence in the member of the government, by a perpetual vote. When the number of votes against the Minister reaches a certain percentage, he is removed from office, without the right in the future to occupy leading positions in state bodies. This measure will stimulate them work and work well. 2. The ability of a citizen to impose a "veto" any bill, by perpetual e-voting. When the number of votes against the bill up...

Preamble from zhvanetskogo. Read the telegram. - "Telegraph delivery date of the pumps!" - Answer: "Your order is completed, the wheel is aimed to the Urals, Sidorov presented to government award." Ambulatory. on may 2 of this year I discovered that my transport fare card, the three disappeared in about 12 trips. Here on April 30 and may 2 has zero, although I didn't go anywhere. Have to go to work, bought another 60 trips, then I will understand. Naive! Tried to call to find out the cause of the loss. Found a contact phone number. May 2 called 11 times! Here are some of the dialogues. - we Have no such information. - Where did she go? Your website refers to this telephone number! We such information is not provided. Only on request of law enforcement...

Over the years, the interior Ministry of Russia has accumulated a lot of stories. Here is the simplest of them. Somehow, along with a colleague, received the order of General, with him down to the yard of the Ministry. There had already gathered a decent group of generals and colonels. Someone said that I should come over Yeltsin. In the end, he still came. I guess I wasn't feeling well, it was supported by two guys in suits. It turned out to be a Foundation stone of the Church erected in the courtyard of the Ministry. As blissfully smiling President, after five minutes left. The Church was built. Her back wall became a part of the fence, but to enter into it, had to go out of the yard and turning the corner to approach the entrance. It took two years. From...

Zadolbali that will soon grow generation, not knowing what is open fire. Led candles, plastic "flame" which you can safely touch, are increasingly common. And okay, if they were only used to create a romantic atmosphere, but no, they goes until very slow... even Church. No, seriously, recently seen. While only a few led to a hundred ordinary, but this is only the beginning. the Fires? The popularity of Hiking has greatly decreased, now the word "tourism" usually means the opposite. the Gas stove lit with a match before, now they lit themselves integrated high-voltage blocks. But at least there's an open flame remained, and in most newly constructed houses ranges - electric. the internal combustion Engines still exist, but it is the inside that the outside...

How bloody gebnya honest opposition aches. On the an.ru in the minds of many expats (and Russians) were quite solid, clear and revealing picture of the political life of Russia. In it everything is clear: the evil, corrupt tyrant PU with friends captured by force and deceit by the authorities , "to hold and not let go" in the power of anybody from the opposition. It and is clear - replace the satraps people with beautiful faces and kirdyk system. People will see how blossom our land in the caring hands of a liberal and immediately rush to overthrow the hated KGB yoke. One happy-sometimes sprouts of democracy is still breaking through the asphalt of arbitrary power. In Moscow,for example, where in September the elections of municipal deputies in several...

I HAVE NO RIGHT to JUDGE WHAT is being DONE in America. Say about yourself. I never exploited blacks (as well as any people of other races and ethnic groups). I shed tears over "uncle Tom's Cabin", all the power of the pioneer soul hated the ku Klux Klan. Painted posters "Freedom for Africa!". And even, imagine, and helped to write the honorary diploma of the Moscow state University Angela Davis (followed the correct Latin). My ancestors on my mother - the Russian peasants, that is most likely the fortress. And a little Gypsy - that is, people not of the sweet life. Nothing lordly and the noble. My ancestors on dad - Jews; the pale of settlement, Holocaust and domestic anti-Semitism forever in my heart. The GULAG also not spared our family. However, I am...

Friend (57 years) of work every evening after work, takes his mother in law (85 years old) from the garden. We have a small town garden and 10 minutes drive from the house. In addition, on odd days of the week, he goes after work at a yoga class outdoors at the stadium (hall is closed). This Wednesday was a terrible heat and stifling in a friend and decided not to go to yoga class and immediately went for my mother-in-law to the Hacienda. And here the dialogue with the mother of his wife. - what are You doing, son-in-law, so early? - Yes that's decided to make today a break. At work all day wet and in this weather in the sun for 1.5 hours is too much. - Wimp! I'm here all day in the greenhouse and nothing else. Lively and cheerful. In General, the...