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Found 1972 items

After tedious trip, the Director returned to the office. He was met by the Secretary and announced: — Sergey, I have for you two news: one good and one bad. With what to begin? — bad come on. is Realized. So the tax came, arrested all of your accounts, the last transaction with foreign partners turned out to be fake, your wife is sleeping with your Deputy and is going to sue all of the property, the partners sent their rapists to overcome your apartment for the debts... the Director sighed and said: — Yes-and Oh, Gee! Now the good news, that is... — we Have a baby on the way, dear!

Afraid to die of some mysterious death. Because my parents will go to "Battle of the psychics", where they talk about me shit. once I suddenly hit the age when half of acquaintances complaining about family, and the second half in the absence of family. — have you ever been hit by a car? — Yes will I give you back, I promise, I will! as a child I laughed at the fable about the grasshopper and the ant... don't understand how you can fail to notice that summer has ended. Now it's not funny. — Drink beer at dawn, drink a beer before bedtime, drink a beer on the grass, drink a beer at the table. — a Great nutritionist. All the friends you can recommend!

Two drunks in the trash buddies walking home from the outskirts of the city. Neither buses nor trams do not go, the men slowly wander down the street, sighing. Suddenly shows up near the bus depot. One friend says to another: — Look, Leh, and let's bus hijacking, huh? We're on it we get home! In short, you go, I'm on the lookout post, see, so the cops didn't notice. okay, San, I went... Man leaves and the other stays to wait for him near the gate of the depot. It takes five minutes, 15, 20 — Lehi. Not stand, man looks inside a large garage, and sees that he is torn between wringing his hands. — Leh, what are you doing? — nothing! I can't find the eighth bus! — Damn, Leh, don't freak! Steal sixth, we go on Lenin, and there is only a five minute...

Credit card — it is so practical! And in debt nobody will give, and past the beggars go with a clean conscience... Come to the people with a ruler and start to measure their face... If they ask why — tell me you're a hypocrite. the Girl earlier came to the party dressed as a squirrel, scared the shit out of the drunk watchman words: — good morning, and here I come... — Honey, you have no idea how good it feels to lie on the hairy chest of the man she loved! — I Really hope that I won't ever have to feel. — Mom! She bites! — I told you not to marry her...

In the compartment of the train just seconds before the shipment ran out of breath woman with a small daughter. Breathless, she told the companions that the girl in this day toothache and had to go to the hospital: — Good thing the doctor has got a wonderful! His kids do not cry, and does its work it quickly. So we caught the train! One of the companions asked girly: — What a little but brave girl! Must want to be an astronaut when you grow up?! — No, I want to become a dentist. — why? — To everyone saying: "come quickly shut up, th snot allowed? And take away their tears. And how the ladies on the head, the mother does not know!"

Long train rode a man who is well used beer on the way. At one station he got out of the car to get some fresh air. The man instantly ran over a Gypsy and got a classic song: — Gilding, expensive pen! Will tell you anything you want! Man with the words "I" took out of his pocket a crumpled fifty dollars and said to the Gypsy: — Tell me about the half-life of radium! a Gypsy man stared, eyes popping, mouth opens wide, and to say nothing good can. the Man, looking at her, gave: — Well, you see, it does not work! — hid the note back in his pocket and staggered, got back into his car.

The Soviet era, the collective farm in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The President shall convene of its employees and says: — Well, comrades, our tractor Vanya got drunk yesterday and in the pond our only tractor is gone and drowned. It is necessary as-that to punish. , Herod! — shouted from the place of the old milkmaid woman Claudia. — To remove him three workdays to teach it! — Well, the women of the Clave, it won't help, — I waved away the chair. — He's a devil in those days moonshine used to be. Any other suggestions? — And let me Vanka in a jug move? said big Mike Smith. — Mike, have you flipped? You look at yourself and Vanya! You're his one hit will kill! And he is in our farm's only tractor — horrified by the Chairman. — Well then...

Once upon a time in a small cozy bar looked sad looking man. Settled from the edge of the long bar, ordered a glass of bitter and hangs his head, quickly knocked over the glass, not drinking. Then he ordered another, and another. At some point the bartender was incredibly sorry for such a sad visitor, and he decided to ask what had happened: — Man, you'll excuse me for prying, but are you having some trouble occurred? Oh, it's my little son, he's only six years... — you Know, the kids. Something pulled at school? — If so! The situation is much more complicated! He is now in the position of our nanny, who is only 18 years old! — What?! How is this possible? I assure you, there must be some mistake! This simply can not be! — no error! This little...

Financial situation: already not worried if I closed the door with a key. — give her a ring. For all to see that she is busy! — I think I always will close is safer. © How to be a redneck, but being branded a romantic. — Kiss me, my love. — What is Orgy in the fifth year of family life?! life partner should be selected not by the coincidence of interests, and, coincidentally, favorite deadly sins. In the development of scientific and technological progress the same surprise may be only two things: 1) creation of artificial intelligence. 2) SMS from my grandmother.

The old Man Rabinovich became very ill and prepared to die. Lying in bed, weak voice he called to his wife: — Fira, my fish, come quick! — Well, sho is Abrash? — Fira asked, entering the room and sitting next to him. — Fira, honey, I think my end is near. Would you wear your best dress? Something red, with a plunging neckline? — Shaw? Abrash, you old age has damaged mind? Why? — Fira! — my husband banged his fist on the bed. After I die! Fulfill my last wish! with a shrug, the wife dressed in an evening gown and returned to her husband. the Same great, friendly. And would you still wear shoes with high heels, and makeup, prettier? — said Rabinovich. — Oh... Well, Abrash, so be it! after half an hour in the bedroom sauntered painted Fira on the...

Met two lonely friend razgovori about how they live. And one other says: — You know, I one thing came up — very helpful! When I got the man, with him we drink champagne, eat strawberries, and then go into the bedroom. And there I have installed a special button that is connected to the doorbell. And once we are in bed — I this button is pressed, the door bell rings, I shout: "Husband back!" — and the man immediately jumps out the window. Friends work together, we laugh at this and went. Met only six months, and the second says to the first, — You know, I decided to install the same button as you do! Come to me man, we went to bed, I pressed the button and cried: "Husband back!" And man — again — and paralyzed! Six months in my bed lay, could not move,...

There Was a time parents gave their old cell phones. They recently gave me his old machine for pressure measurement. — Have you now in my life something happens? Yes... — What? — I Have the macaroni cooked. — But seriously? — do You think it makes sense to lie about the pasta? Why they write: "Thank you for choosing Russian Railways!" — if others do not? — Have to tell you that still watch you in social networks. It is simply more practical than to have a terrarium with a toad. — I just got a call from Paradise, they say they have escaped the fat, worthless, an unemployed angel. — Well, mom!

Junior school, there is a lesson in class, Jack, Mary V. specifies the guys question: — Children, you probably already know that our country is going through difficult times. In the midst of a crisis, and we are forced to tighten their belts. Tell us how your family, who both came up with to save? the Hand pulls Katya: — We have become vegetarians, gave up meat for the whole family. Peter: — And here we are now teeth cleaned only once a day. johnny: — And we decided to drive mom! — What?! Vovochka! Yeah what are you talking about?! — outraged teacher. — what?! My dad thought about it and came to the conclusion that I'm a big, feed me Breasts don't need the Pope it is also not out. And to whom then to feed to the neighbor?! Sorry!

Translator, spaces you don't translate, so we're not going to pay for them. Okay. I'll send you the translation without the spaces. — what are the names of men who at the end of the day, put your clothes in a tank of dirty Laundry, and not throw on a chair or on the floor? Women. — Katya, what are you drinking? — I can't in my position. — Oh-Oh-Oh, congratulations! — my kidneys failed. Two blondes you: — I fucking resort flew! I am afraid that the kid with dark skin born... — what do you Serega — racist? — Vladimir Zhirinovsky, guess the riddle: no Windows, no doors — full upper room of people! Well, what's the riddle? What nonsense is this? Roma in an Elevator stuck, or what?

For all TV and radio large cities reported that the prison escaped a dangerous criminal, has listed his signs and told how to behave, if he will meet on the way. All citizens on the ears, all the shock, the panic... And the next day the offender voluntarily returned to prison. the Warden has collected a press-conference, which gathered a crowd of journalists, and they all had one question to the offender: — Why did you return to prison? the Culprit said: — Yes in a coffin I've seen your freedom! Once escaped, half hiding from the police here or there. The night barely made it home and the wife from a threshold: "the radio said that you left at seven in the morning, and now it's ten o'clock! You where all this time has been, you bastard?"