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— Oh, you Vovochka, right? Volnenko, perhaps? Let me blow on the Boo Boo. — Have to tell you that the trauma you yourself. the Mother asks the little boy: — Want to see the sister that you brought by the stork? — sister — not, but the stork in the winter — it's fun! a Woman should not do in life three things: 1. To dwell. 2. Like a fool. 3. On a fur coat. the shop: — please Give me that turtle-skipjack. — the Bug of jumping? Fuck, I forgot to turn off the heating of the sand in the cage! given that capoeira is a dance with elements of martial arts, in fact every normal dance at Russian wedding — also capoeira.

Inquired once of an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian, where is the best place to spend time with a woman. Each of them thought about it, and then gave the answer. the Englishman said: — Well, of course, at her house! A woman cook a delicious dinner will burn candles, good wine, spacious bed... And ready for a date is not necessary, very convenient! the Frenchman the same question answered differently: — the best — outdoors! You need to take a woman on a picnic somewhere on the river or sea... Champagne, strawberries, birds singing, the lapping of the water! Everything has to be romantic! the Russian stated the following: — the best place on the ladder. If a woman is low — a bit higher rise if high — on a step lower down. And if something...

As a result of an unfortunate set of circumstances killed the man and then turns out to be the gates to heaven and hell. Appears next to the Apostle Peter with the explanation for the newcomer: so now we have to decide where you to focus. And for this we will ask you about the soul with which you were familiar during his lifetime. the First soul says: — Yes, I knew him, he was a wonderful person and very good friend! Always helped in difficult situations. the Second soul: — And I worked with him, he was a great employee, honest and Executive. There is nothing to think — he deserved to be in Paradise! But here comes the third turn of the soul: — Oh, no! Send to hell this monster! the Dead man in shock refers to the last soul: — Anton, what...

— Me last night, on the street by an unknown man threw gorgeous bouquets straight to the feet! Shaw, Zina? A pot of geraniums dropped from the balcony? According to the Constitution, Semyon Markovich had the right to work. But I tried not to abuse it. SEMA of Shniperson had six children and one wife. And he's always wanted quite the contrary! — When my Samochka playing the violin, I always cry... — Ha! When our Bob goes to play cards, did we cry the whole family! Every the Odessa man faces a choice: a lifetime to eat one scrambled each morning to explain, "where you up all night, the cattle, wandered"?

Decided one day the Martians sent to Earth his scouts. Send spies to Japan, France and Russia and left them there for six months. After this time called them back to headquarters and began to ask about the results of the exploration. First asked the spy, who was in Japan: — how is it? — They are rapidly developing their technology, but still far behind from our Mars developments by as much as 200 years! the Second asked the spy, who was in France: — how is it? — the living Conditions they are very different from ours, but their perfume industry ahead of ours for 50 years! the Third asked the spy, to visit Russia: — how is it? — Just I teleported, not even looked around on the ground, as I was approached by two local men, and said, "Oh, you'll...

— I joust all killed! — And the prize you get for it? — No, I'm telling you, I really, really killed! After the death of sinned conductors fall on the upper side of the shelf near the toilet. — I thought of you... — you cheated on me! — I thought you were noble and forgive me, but you're just like everyone else. I, when peeling potatoes, also crying. That the onions didn't think that he was a freak or something... Night, call an ambulance: — Hello, Hello! Hello! The man needs help urgently, on the verge of death! — Hello. Prove you're not a robot.

In the hospital the doctor talked to the man, asking him about the circumstances of the incident: — So what happened with your friend? — see, doctor, we sat with him at my house, waited for the other guests. Well, to pass the time, decided to drink a little severe. I buddy gave a couple of hundred and the nearest supermarket was sent, and he himself stayed at home to watch the guests but the appetizer on the table to prepare... — Okay, go ahead. — So. This moron came to the supermarket and looked for him there, you see, decorative vase with flowers, so he bought it! Spent all the money, and no vodka or even beer, and even that is not enough. There's nothing left! Only this vase with flowers from the store brought! Right here there is nothing-nothing...

— Vadim, do you found it? — I don't know, guys, in it something is. — yeah, and that "something"- fifth the size... the Dialogue in the opening day of the new supermarket: — Girl, where you have a liquor Department? — This Department yet. — And why are you open? Professor of history, explaining to the students how the ideal of beauty over time, gave the following example: — Miss America 1921 was 160 cm tall and weighed 73 kg. How do you think would have won it today at a beauty contest? — Hardly, — said one of the students — it is too old. a Man comes into the store where you recently bought a vacuum cleaner: — When I bought this vacuum cleaner, you said that it will serve me for the rest of my days! And he worked for only three...

On a deserted road under the tree is the traffic COP and bored. Not another soul around, car was not in the morning, and I want to earn money. At the end of the day absolutely brutal boredom and anger the policeman is going to have to resign, but suddenly notices an old man riding on a cart, which harnessed the donkey. "Oh, well, at least someone! Now I got something off!" — I think the inspector and with a wave of the wand indicates that the old man pulled to the curb. He comes to understand nothing of the grandfather and says sternly: — Your papers! — Look, son, are you crazy? What documents? I'm not driving, and the cart with the donkey! Is a vehicle, I know nothing! Quickly show me your papers! Okay, now, ladies — says the old man gets off the...

— Masha, what are you doing in the sandbox? — Johnny play. — Play the game — bury back! — Mom, mom, why do all the kids eat cotton candy, and I ordinary?! — Guys, I want to dance! — So go, what's stopping you? — Show?! a Beggar pesters passers-by: — do you have by chance a pair of old shoes? — excuse me, but you — brand new sneakers well-known company! — They spoil the whole picture... — little Red riding Hood, where are you going? I'm going to see my grandmother and carry sclerosis. let me try... Delicious! Where are you going?

On the river Bank sat a fisherman who had two fishing rods. Past the fisherman passed the man and noticed that the strange way of fishing: first, stringing a worm on the hooks, and then throws a fishing rod into the river and another behind him in the bushes. The man was very curious, and he said, — Hey, man, why are you so weird fishing rod throw? The one in the river, it is clear why. Why are you in the bushes the other cast? — I will Not say — grimly he said, not taking his eyes off the float in the river. — come on, man, tell me! What do you want, sorry, what? And I you for this and fifty grams of vodka splash! — Splash. Man poured fisherman of vodka, he drank it and said, — fishing Rod, throw into the river, never bite not given, and that...

To the Director of the Odessa Opera and ballet theatre comes to the visitor and offers the following: — I for two hundred dollars you can massage all of your ballerinas. — Agreed! You have the money? — please, Give me a sandwich. — With pleasure! — No, and cheese. If the guy on the new car — the real boy, now, girls, be careful! If the guy on the new car — it hangs a five-year loan. the New priest asks a parishioner how much she loved his preaching. — Amazing. We can say we sin didn't know anything until you does not come to us! In the first years of perestroika Rabinovich has applied for a visa. OVIR told him: — Yakov Samuilovich, well now, then why leave? We have, thank God, democracy, you can sleep peacefully. — Thank...

Once a couple has decided to spend the evening of the day and go to the premiere of the acclaimed play. Rather, the wife decided that the time had come, so to speak, cultivate, and therefore took beforehand two tickets and put the husband before the fact. And here they came to the theater, took their seats, started the first action. But then the man has to pee. He carefully, trying not to hurt anybody, made his way through the whole series and went in search of a toilet. Long wandered through the long maze of corridors and eventually stumbled upon some weird fake sculpture, just lush artificial vegetation. Strength to endure no more, so the man decided to pee right in those bushes. Did their business and quickly returned to his wife. Leans over and in...

— sir, you are a scoundrel! I challenge you to a duel! Provide you to choose a weapon: sword or gun? — the Sword. Great. And I choose the gun! a Volume of Pushkin's — so they call Tamara Pushkin colleagues... so, today we will have a test. — And to use a calculator can? — is Possible. — A protractor? — is Also possible. Record the theme control, "History of Russia, 17th century". — the Defendant, why did you Rob the Bank? — he started it! — the Private Sidorov! You to run back for a bottle of vodka! — Have it! — do Not eat and drink!

In a remote military unit there was a rumor that in a couple of days will be a test of General. All soldiers and officers immediately began to restore order, not to strike in a dirt the person before the reviewer. Work started: some soldiers swept the parade ground, the other painted grass, and others urgently brought to the barracks in proper form. But they did not have time to finish, as part of the General appeared. Horrified from the fact that nothing is ready, the commander led him into the dining room to appease food. On the way there the General met two soldiers carrying a great big pot. The General stopped them and said, — come on eagles, let I test will be removed. — No way, comrade General! — said one of the privates. — What?! — the evil...