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Floats themselves toad quietly minding his own business. This does ahead have fun frolicking and splashing in the water carp. And on one side bounce, and the other side will show, and bubbles on the water let. In General, the fish comes off in full! Toad swims closer to him with surprise and asked: — Hey, what are you doing here? What kind of dance you are? — No, you're what?! — responsible fish. — I don't dance. Just wait until I notice the fishermen. Then the toad finally fell into a stupor: — What?! The fishermen? You're crazy, carp? It's a way to commit suicide? And again, do not guess! — cheerfully replied the carp. We are now a crocodile on the hunt. I attract attention, and he was in the reeds waiting. Catch on live bait, so to speak...

— Why on Earth women more than men? Because it is necessary to remove more than think. Lena waited the guy from army, what else is there to do in prison? — johnny, who do you like better: dad or mom? — our family — other relationships: dad loves mom, and I do not interfere. Dogs, of course, can be our friends. But I don't see any cat who shows the police where the grass is hidden. Ill flight attendant. The crew chief suggested his friend, not the flight attendant, just replace it. The aircraft accelerates on the runway, the captain says new: — Tell passengers that fly. The interview: — Dear passengers, now our plane will fly in the air...

At the conclusion of championship Boxing, a young journalist comes to the winner and asked permission to interview him. The same, flattered by the attention from the media, gladly agrees to answer a couple of questions. And so the journalist asks: — Tell you in very difficult situation? Well, for example, one evening in the entrance you head to head with a group of thugs. What action will take? — So... well, most boresome — from the right hook. He falls unconscious, and all scatter. — And if once the two thugs get into a fight? the First — a kick in the head, the second is punched in the stomach. — Well, well and what to do immediately with the three bandits? the First fly right to the nose, and the other in the stomach. — And the third? — What? Ah!...

Winter, a terrible cold. Late in the evening, pretty late, comes home a young bus driver. Suffered prolonged anxiety his wife runs to him and asks: — my Dear, why are you home so late? Did something happen? it's nothing, honey. I just received a lot of appreciation for saving the person from his boss. — Oh! — falls on the chair wife. — What have you done? Today in my bus went in the wood drunk man fell asleep on the seat, and I threw him by the scruff straight into a snowdrift somewhere in the industrial area. — What? But, dear, you mean to say that you for it also? Because you left the person to die from the cold in the snow? — grabbed the heart wife. — no, honey! — waves hands husband. — When I went the reverse route, I saw that he was a drunkard so...

— smile! — Religion does not allow. — What? — Pessimism. Here's your help, keep, and no lunch. — But you already stretched me! — Lunch. — Yes it's in the hand you! — a Young man, I'm closing the window. — If you love something let it go, if it's yours, it'll be back, if not, then your never and was not. — No, Madam, come-ka in the office!.. the Master of paint shop for the second year thinks that working with a partner. In fact, I'm a decent girl. A student, a Komsomol member, an ecologist, and I sing in the choir, the master of sports in volleyball, a born liar.

It so Happened that Izzy died right during a poker game from a heart attack. His comrades could not decide to inform the wife Izzy about what happened. Began to draw lots, who's going to tell her this terrible news. The lot fell on Aaron, who was the most silent and uncommunicative for the entire company. He came to the house of izi and when his wife opened the door, said: — I'm from Hartmann. — And where my hubby spends all his time playing poker? — Yes. — Well, he plays? — Playing. — Probably, as always, loses? Loses. — Certainly a lot loses a parasite?! — Exactly, a lot. — Ah, fuck him, bastard! Already.

Interview: — so, how much would you like per week? — 30 000. — 30 000?! Have a conscience! You have no education, no experience... — No, you think: it is much harder to work when you have no idea what you're doing! What you doing? — go to Sleep. — Without me? — the dead land of sleep! Want to them? — Girl, and who do you work for? the Promoter in a large company. — and-and-And... Money to squander? Comes as a woman on North friend. In the kitchen she notices him under the table a huge amount of hamsters and wonders: — How do you under the table hamsters? We're in the North! — Is not hamsters, this cockroaches in fur coats. a Cadet of the naval Academy exams. Taking exams the Admiral asked the student to name the three...

There Is a war in the offensive — fighters from the ski unit. One of the soldiers approached the commander and asked: — Comrade commander, there's a couple miles away — my native village. Haven't seen either spouse or children... — Time, soldier? On skis? Easy! Let the commander of the soldiers. He went home, returned four hours later, happy to horror. He was surrounded by fellow soldiers, and the soldier asked: — Who of you can guess what two things I have done in the first place? of course, everyone guessed immediately what his wife was making out with two years still he wasn't home. And the second could not guess, called the answers but all were wrong. Then the soldiers laughed and said: — the Second thing I ski with a shot.

After a full and eventful life spent in indescribable luxury and wealth, is dying a well-known millionaire. Forecasts of doctors are unfavourable, and the oligarch already resigned to demise. And while waiting in the wings — all day lying in bed and sadly staring out the window. In one of those boring grey days down to him from heaven, a real angel with white wings. Sits on the edge of the bed and asks the dying rich man: — Look, it's true that there is that huge lake belongs to you? — Yes, that's right, this is my lake. — Hmm, but these luxurious stables? — Yes, they are also all mine. — And that magnificent Park the most expensive vintage cars? — Yes, of course. — And five huge yachts, right? — Yes, all mine! the angel for a second, thoughtful...

— Girl, what are you doing here? — What can I do? Relax! — three hours of the night in my apartment? — we Have a free country, where you want, and relax! After the divorce the ex-husband says: — okay. I admit I really cheated on you: would sometimes bring home to women of easy virtue, but how do you know that? — From our Murzik: it smelled like cheap perfume. — Vovochka, why are you writing so small? — mistakes were not as noticeable, Marya. — Oleg, how's your cat's name? — Day or night? — the Principle of homeopathy is "treat like with like". To treat bruising a baseball bat? — Yes! The only bits should not be larger than toothpicks, homeopathy still!

A Fine summer day, little johnny together with his friends played ball in the yard. At one point the boy kicked the ball too hard, and the breaking glass in the apartment on the first floor, flew inside. From the broken window immediately popped the woman and it was a terrible curse on johnny, saying that the ball she will not give him. But the boy still wanted to return the ball, or my parents would have been too hard on him. Gathered the courage, he called the apartment door and pulled a puppy dog face, and said, Excuse me, Auntie! I'll tell dad to come and put a new glass in the window. Okay. Comes your dad, and I will give him the ball. after some time in the apartment, a man came with glass and inserted it into the frame. The woman thanked him...

Two nice, but rather large ladies came on the Odessa beach and decided to take a picture. They asked the photographer: — Just make shoby we the photo was beautiful and slim! — Ladies, come up to my neck in water! And smile... In the city — Rosie, let me take you home ride! — Abram Solomonovich, you sho, seduce me? — Well, you sho, how could you think such a thing? — Yes, the same old you, Abrasha! — Tsilechka and sho do you have nose appeared, after all these holidays? Birthmark, sho? — Oh, no! I did a glass rubbed! — rose, you're I still like the tat of the Odessa station! — What?! Fatty sho? — Hot, juicy and very dangerous! first date: — Sophie, a ask you — don't smile! I'm still very afraid. — Shaw, Mona, has to...

Noon, the station. At some point on the platform is popping up an angry Caucasian with a giant suitcase in hand. No time to run to the train as the doors close, and the composition rapidly moving away over the horizon — out right from under his nose. Caucasian, scared, frustrated due to his late arrival, throws the suitcase down and come to swear: — E-mine! Left, damn! Went here right before your eyes! Here it is suitable to the guard and starts to question: — Man, what are you doing? Who and where to go? — Yes my train is gone! Dumped! And so I had to make it! police officer with a slight smirk on the face corrects the man: — Look, the train is not "gone." The train left, left. the Caucasian, not to conceal his deep indignation: — you Go where you...

Once in Odessa broke out a terrible cholera epidemic. All patients were driven to a private hospital where they humbly waiting in the wings. Got there and the old man Rabinovich, unable to avoid the disease. the old Man lying on the cot in the corner beckoned to the doctor and said, — Oh, I feel I am not long. Could you call me father? — Shaw? Rabinovich, maybe you need a Rabbi? — surprised the doctor. After the priest of the call, only the priest. several hours Later, the doctor was able to find a priest who was not afraid to go to the hospital with infectious patients. When he approached the bed Rabinovich, the old man began to speak: — Record, father. I have no children, no wife, but still have a little money. I, Isaac Rabinovich, bequeath to...

— Boy, hold a chocolate. What do you say to uncle? the Partisans — there... — Everything! Came the end of my patience. I'm divorcing my husband! — what's the matter? You are such a good couple! — you Know he always reads all the detectives. And every time on the first page write the name of the killer. In spite of me! — Why the cat is not sharpening its hind legs? is It FWD. — Imagine we have a whole village of mushrooms falling out! — is this real? And, all at once? — no, first Peter, and then later, at his Wake, the villagers ate the rest.... — Lady! What do you scream like a stuck?! — are not you ashamed to say?! And surgeon!