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History Teacher Maria Ivanovna after years of working in the same school went to work in the school. On his first lesson in the sixth grade she decided to test their knowledge: — Children who took Gibraltar? Kukushkin? the place jumps Ivan Kukushkin and frightened shouts: — Maria Ivanovna, I haven't even touched! Maybe it's Bob Sidorov? Bob Sidorov, knocking over a chair, gets up and says indignantly: — And then immediately Sidorov? It might Light Petrova was? — I didn't take anything! — screams with a girl. — It was definitely a johnny Ivanov! the Hassle of children continues throughout the lesson. After the call, pissed off the teacher goes to the teacher and says: — can You imagine the 6th "In" doesn't know who took Gibraltar! — Oh, Maria...

Birds of a feather flock together — and begins to think: "how the hell did he know about this place?!" a man Comes to his wife in a fur coat: — How much is this coat? — It will cost you a million rubles. — how-How?! — It will cost you... — Right. It will cost. the Woman in the pharmacy: — Which is better for my husband — the tincture of Valerian or Valerian? — But a diagnosis is what? — the Shoes for 15 000. — Hello! Where is the axe? — forest fairy I gave. — Cool! And the axe come from? — Anton, after what happened between us tonight, we have to consummate our relationship. — I Agree, high five!

The Field of battle, on a hill stands the king's father and carefully observing his troops. At some point, right at his feet landing a projectile and starts to hiss loudly. All around in a complete stupor, and only one brave soldier rushes to the projectile, and throws it as far as possible. Bang, all fall down. The king stands up, shakes off and looks at his Savior: — Come here, soldier, what's your name? — Petrov, your Excellency! — You saved my life, I want to thank you! What do you want? — Want to marry the daughter of the Earl of Bolkonskogo! Okay, let it be so, — says the king. — Bring me Bolkonskogo! the count stands in front of the Emperor, and that and he says: — Here Colonel your daughter in to pick up his wife wants! Oh, come now, your...

A Clear, Sunny day on the roof of one of the unfinished skyscrapers of the city are still two of the most ordinary bricks. Nothing to do — lie, miss. One brick very young, and the second —the old, the whole shabby, the edges crumbled. the young a lot of energy, he looks down, and with enthusiasm says: — the Grandfather, well, let's jump! Well, it's fun! Come on, grandfather! — does not settle down. Okay, so be it, have fun — grunting old brick. Only let us not then person wait... — Vaughn, grandfather, someone's coming! This man, let's his head fall down! And here you jump two bricks, but in flight the young with grief notes: — the Grandfather, he's in a helmet, nothing will come of it... — Oh, youngsters! — smiling at old brick. — I'll show you...

There was a girl, very absent-minded and forgetful. It is often confused contraceptive and sedative. Now she has eight children but she do not care. Student — Professor: — I dreamt that I passed the exam! What can I do to make it become a truth? — Less sleep... a Meeting of addicts anonymous: — I'm an alcoholic. — I smoke. — I used to be an alcoholic, but you for five years I was cured. Now I have a new addiction — I can't stop coming here! the girl on a date says the young man: — You must be a football player? — how did you know? — Yes too good hug and kiss each other! If you landed on the street by a Jehovah's witness, do not worry and start consistently and slowly to explain to him the definition of the triple integral!

Rumor has it that once late in the evening Reagan noticed that one of the employees works hard, although working tribute is long over. Then the President asked him: — what are you doing here? — I paused for a little more work, — answered the boy, with all my heart hoping that his efforts will be noticed and rewarded. — you are fired-free! — suddenly gave Reagan. — But why? — Because its work must be done on time! Apparently, you just don't do their jobs, and therefore forced to stay so long... And rumor has it that the next day the President found an absolutely identical picture, but with a different employee. — You fired, too! But what is it! Good professionals should be able to carry out all their tasks in working hours! — But all the work I...

— hold position and don't move! — is This a robbery?! — No, damn it, it's a group photo! — Fast food is very harmful. — And I, his doctor prescribed. — can't be. — And he tasted like my wife's cooking, and prescribed. Sara is talking to Rose: — Imagine, yesterday my husband bought a water bed! — So it's probably great! Exciting, and in General... Be love on the water. — With its activity it will not be a love on the water, and cruise around the Dead sea. Rosa Markovna with Moldavian, so gaudy dressed, sho thieves stole from the yard only a clothesline. awkward age — this is when the son stands on his own feet, but still in daddy's shoes...

On reception to the doctor comes to the puzzled man. Modestly sitting on the chair opposite, he with despair in his voice said, — the Doctor! My wife is not herself. He walks all sad to have lost my appetite, constantly headache. Everything else has ceased to care for themselves. I think she's in a deep depression. — So, OK. And how long have you and her been intimate? — Oh, doctor, Yes six months, nothing like this has happened! — Here we have found the cause of your troubles! And why have you stopped paying attention to his wife? — No, I always want. But, you see, now the harvest is in full swing. I spent all day in the field on the tractor, just under the night back home. — how far you live from work? is Not less than a kilometer! okay, and the...

Looked at graduation photo. Realized that modern fashion requires that the length of the skirt and the heels were about the same. You shut up here for the rest of the clinic? Shut your mouth! — you close! If so nervous — make an appointment to see a psychiatrist. And I went to him and recorded! Waiting for this monster! — you're a freak! Come into the office, I was a bit late... the Lines on your hand can tell a lot about your personality, but the browser history can tell you about it more. it's Time to clean is when the room screaming cat, and you can't find him. Good blonde Lucy always buying live fish and releases it free. Into the woods.

— is There intelligent life in the Universe? — Is. — And why are we not linked? — So reasonable... — guess how many teeth I have? Well, if a normal person is a 32, then you have probably 28... — And in which hand? Hooked to the girl, wanted to meet you. And she cried out: "Get out! It's ladies only!" — Sigismund Appolinarievich, do you remember how we used children to fight? — Oh no, modest Lazarevic, thank you, can we do it, what are we — what are fiends?.. Children to fight... Sitting Pinocchio and says to himself: — That's the immaculate conception I have, and my dad is a carpenter...

One day a little boy decided to ask the father has long worried his question. He waited until dad finished all his work and sit back in the chair in front of the TV. Then a little boy came up to him and with typical children naive asked: — Dad, where am I from? on Hearing such a provocative question, father almost choked on his tea. Frantically sorting through in my head all the possible explanations on this subject, he, blushing and stammering, trying to avoid the most spicy nuances, he explained to his son the essence of the process of reproduction of the human species. When the same question was completely chewed, the father excitedly asked: — so, do you understand? Still have some questions? what kid in complete shock replied: — I did not think...

Man talks to local: — If I catch fish, it will not be breaking any laws? — No! It'll be a miracle! — Why does the wind lifts the skirt? — Because the wind is masculine. — Alex, let's go buy coffee! — that's a weird word "vodka" pronounced. a Man after heavy drinking, calling a friend: — Hey, well yesterday we were given! The glitch was, when you have a lemon on the table on thin legs running! — Oh, you're my Canary in the tea squeezed? Girls really did not read the fairy tale "Cinderella". They read only to the phrase: "Cinderella married the Prince." And throw. And then it is written: "End of tales".

The evening of the day, the most common fish store clerk in boredom languishing behind the counter. Then suddenly the door swings open and inside runs into the befuddled man with a fishing rod behind. Quickly looking around, he runs up to the counter and excitedly asked the saleswoman: — Honey, I need a big carp fresh, not frozen! Do you have? — Yes, there is. Now weighed. Fat lady gets out of the fridge, the giant carp, which only finds, calculates and reads the value. The man pays, takes the fish and takes a step toward the exit, but then stops and returns a purchase to the shop assistant with the words: — And you please throw me the fish from behind the counter? Please, just throw it to me. my Aunt surprised: — what the what?! — Then I won't...

The man Decided to spend summer at sea. I bought a train ticket, got into his car and realized that the car is unreal hot and stuffy. Then he called the conductor and said, — Tell me, in the car have air conditioning? — don't worry, man! In the car, all the vents are open from the month of may, hot will not! — said the conductor. — No, you are confusing it with ventilation. Air — conditioning- this is when air masses move in a closed cycle! — with knowledge of the matter said the passenger. the Conductor said nothing, only rolled his eyes, saying, as there are clingy people. Instead of explaining, she beckoned a man over himself, to his own compartment. He could not understand, still followed her. There the conductor picked up the bitten Apple and...

— Lucy did you find the man through the Internet? — Yes. — how? Now searching for him through Interpol. Children in the café make the order: — We coffee with cream and a bag. — And a bag why? — where are the bones from cream to quit? As said aunt Fira: — Remember, Sara, sho, I will tell you! Nail a shelf, and the neighbor asked. But to yell, sho crooked nailed it — there has husband needed! — abramchik traveled to Holy places, begging for happiness. And Shaw helped? — No, so my wife and returned... Time is fleeting... yesterday you guys played football in the yard, and some drunk asked me to kick the ball, but today this drunk — you.