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Was Driving like a man on his business, in a hurry very. But when I was passing by city madhouse happened to him trouble — lost a wheel. An hour fiddling with him, all could not return the wheel back in place. And all this time, through the hole in the fence behind the poor guy curiously observed the occupant of a mental hospital. But at some point, even madhouse patient did not survive. He irritably shook his head and shouted to the man: — well it is impossible! Frog you have from each wheel at the nut and fasten them using four! And go quietly to the house, just wait! Man, clearly not expecting such a sound Board from the usual crazy, surprised eyes widened, and involuntarily gave: — But how? And how do you know these things? I'm sorry, but you...

— Abrash, I don't know if I should go on a diet or not — I think in our floor scales still dead battery. — Verochka, she's not just dead — you're still crushed. — And I do in Paris will not take? asked the wife is leaving on a business trip of her husband. — If it was a trip to Bavaria, you probably would suggest me to bring a case of beer? — Why are lads so fast drives? — Because they are afraid to forget where they have come. — And why they so often stand on the sidelines? — Forget... the Man comes to the doctor: — the Doctor, from my wife left and took the kids, I'm out of work, no money, no friends, I became very much drinking, but my hands were shaking, in the eyes of all the doubles, all body hurts, I can't think straight...

One man worked in a factory for many years and every day brought them to the Breakfast sandwich with anchovies. But one day he was approached by the foreman, and said, — Petrov, tomorrow there will be foreign guests to see our factory. Need to get this meeting was held at the highest level, so tomorrow bring myself to eat something better than a sandwich with anchovies! And then be ashamed in front of foreigners — they would think that we have the company of the poor, the workers are starving, and we desperately need them to sign a contract! the Man nodded and brought the next day with a sandwich with black caviar. In the eyes of foreign guests he ate it, and guests were delighted with the well-being of ordinary working plant. Of course, they signed a...

Once the student has met with the priest, and they began a dispute. The priest claimed that God's miracles do exist, and the student tried to prove that miracles do not happen, everything can be explained from the point of view of logic and science. having Exhausted all the arguments, the priest said, — Ivan, I can tell you that our Church has an old bell ringer for 30 years, and all is well. But once he tripped and fell with a 20-metre bell tower! But it was not a single scratch! I think it's a miracle! — I don't think so, in truth, it was an accident, retorted the student. — Suppose. But a month after the first fall the bell ringer fell again with the same bell. And once again, there was not a scratch! A miracle? A miracle! — no! — fervently said...

— Honey, I brought a truth serum. Now we know how you feel I really belong. — you piss me off. A typical dork, a wuss, nothing in life can not! I hate you! I have six months sleeping with our neighbor! — wait-Wait, it must first drink... Teacher: — Thus, we all descended from apes. I: — Personally, I came from the chameleon. Teacher: — Who said that? Man at the crossroads giving out candy to children. One of the parents asks: — Is an advertising campaign for a candy factory? — No, it's an expansion of my dental business... — How was your first day at school, Arkady? — Bad! The guys called me fat! — don't worry, you're not fat! Better go eat, I made you two buckets of soup. Man at work, a friend says: — Yesterday, a...

One lady, whose husband went on a business trip, she called to her lover. The day before the expected arrival of her husband, lover come back, but as soon as he undressed, as he heard a knock at the door. The woman looked through the peephole, and said in a low whisper: — Oh, husband is back! Nick, you need to hide! — Yes, where I have buried here? nervously began to look around the lover. — Low bed, wardrobe, no balcony, too. — go to the kitchen, stand in an intricate pose and don't move. I husband say that the sculpture bought. Lover bullet ran to the kitchen, and the husband, finally having coped with the lock, entered the apartment. — Honey, here, had managed to arrive early! Is there anything for dinner? I'm terribly hungry, ' said husband and...

Stirlitz ran, brandishing a pistol. He was running Makarov, screaming for her life: — Give me the gun, you bastard! Approach the man by two cops: — come will witness. — finally decided to register their relationship? As with steam and electricity it is possible to make a baby? — is Very simple. I take a few, cut down electricity. And then — as usual. — my Dear, here we hang shelves, then we will have lunch, and there is a bedroom. — Hey, honey! Come without it! We were all given 15 days! the Husband returns home in the morning in serious condition. Wife meets him at the threshold and says: — And how you can do my face to look?! — everything can be used.

Cat Basil in utter confusion, rushed among the snowdrifts, hair standing on end, eyes were desperate. He ran as fast as I could, and shouted all around: — And where? Where is spring, I ask you?! How much can! I can't take it anymore! What kind of country is this?! When you see the first snowdrops, when I finally hear the chirp of the birds? Where? Where is all this?! I'm not talking about a thaw! Snow! Everywhere the damn snow! If the sky is mocking me! And they say that spring comes! Lie! Blatantly lying, and I'm tired of this endless lies! But in the meantime, people affectionately watched the cute furry creature and with a smile said to each other: — Oh, the screams! The spring sensed. Cats do not spend!

The lesson of the Russian language Marya Ivanovna said: — Vovochka, and the phrase "looking for man" what time is it? — Wasted, Marya. When I see couples names carved on trees, I don't think it's cute, and I think that's a little weird that people take out a knife. Drunk TV weatherman explained in one word how bad the weather. the Earth is the place where aliens show their children how to live. I Want to save in the restaurant? Start with the phrase: — Well, the fat lady, choose!

One admission to one elite lawyer was a potential customer. A middle-aged man nervously looked around and conspiratorially whisper said: — I Have a delicate matter: I would like to take away other people's money. Please, advise me. Want to know what this item is described in our legislation. the Lawyer adjusted his glasses and said: — In that case, if you subtract to 100 thousand, it can be regarded as a robbery. — So, okay, and more? — Hmm, well, up to 100 million can be customized under the article on abuse of power. So, uh, if even more? the Lawyer pushed his glasses on his nose and looked sternly at the client: — And in this case, darling, we are going to deal with a dispute between two business entities!

Once a guy came in pool play. Suddenly ran over a small boy with an unexpected offer: — Uncle, and let the game roll out, huh? Of course, not just so, and on the coin! I bet you will quickly make? the Man at first was taken aback by this arrogance of the kid, but smiled and agreed to this adventure: — But come on, once so brave! — I got one-the only condition is that I'll break, all right? the Man nodded, and the lad with one blow removed from eight balls. His enemy and knew it, as the merged party. And the boy immediately offered to play again, and the man, of course, agreed. But this time the lad won with a single blow, what led to utter confusion of the enemy. — Hey, man, you give me a head start, and that this is not a game! — Uncle, I can...

— Today found another plus in the winter! — what this time? — If the frost to go out, you will immediately notice that your fly is open! — Vera, your pictures from vacation by the sea is gorgeous, you're so thin! , Marina, I asked to be filmed only when I'm in water up to her neck! Witness, tell us how it happened? Well, we go in the evening with Klavka on the street. Suddenly from the corner POPs a maniac and jumps on the Klavka! — what are you? — And I stand like a fool, again left alone, without a pair! I Hate it when in horror movies people alone in the apartment and asks: "is anybody there?" As if the killer will answer him: "Yes, I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?" Police are trying to pull out of the puddle drunken...

An Elderly Jewish woman from Brooklyn decided it was time to take care of the will. With this question she went straight to the synagogue. In the process of discussion with the Rabbi of the individual paragraphs of the will she gave: — Rabbi, you know, in fact, I have two main desires. That's about it I ask you to report to my babies when I go to the light. — Yes, of course I listen to you carefully. — so, first of all I ask you to ensure that my body was cremated, and it is not discussed. — So, I hear you and second? — And secondly, I desire that my ashes were scattered over the Mall! — But why there? — surprised the Rabbi. — Maybe better still over the ocean? — Oh, Rabbi, no, no, no, no ocean! The only way I can be sure about the fact that both my...

— Since then, as I left without her, I was not myself! I can not stand nor eat nor sleep nor work! — Petrovich! Slack off, again left without a prize! On the street stick to the girl pals, she is a he: — leave it alone! Do you know who my husband is? — Well, who? Janitor a broom atthasit! At the presentation of the new book Dontsova: — Daria, you are incredibly talented! I read your previous book and could not put it down! And when he learned that the killer... — No, no, don't say I haven't read it yet! Arkady Ilyich whole life worked at the plant for the production of condoms. He has two daughters, one from his first marriage, the other from the factory. — Honey, you're going to wash the dishes? — Honey, you know the law...

How's the new job? — after three Days. — a team? — Bitch in two... Well, mistress, take work. Everything is made to last! — And that the tiles laid out so crooked? — What is the conscience — such quality. Pilot: easy launch and soft landing. the Trucker, no nails, no wand. the Inspector of traffic police: no shame, no conscience. From a conversation at work: — what's your name? — Slavik. — And the patronymic? — With a salary — just a friend. At work quarreled all women. To restore order, summoned the head of the Department, but women still shouting, interrupting each other. — Quiet! — losing patience, shouted the chief. — Let him speak that which is all over! And then there was silence...