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Her husband Returned from a trip home, began to undress, opened the cupboard and found a strange man. — Who are you? he asked the stranger. — I Simon. her Husband nodded, closed the wardrobe and went into the office. There he met his colleague and told the story of how he saw the stranger in the closet. Well, you're an idiot! — said his colleague. — There is the lover of your wife! It was better him in the face to punch it! the Husband after these words, rushed home. He ran and immediately opened the Cabinet and there sits another man. — who are You? — I Peter. — Hmm, Peter?.. So, Peter, will meet Seeds — tell him that as soon as I see one, I'll break his face!

Met two friends, drank wine and talked. One was all upset. How are you? — asked her friend. You directly face there! Did something happen? — the Case is not so, ' replied the other. — Why? — All because of going to the theater. In the theater? And what happened there? — I went there together with her lover. — Wow, bold! And what did he do to you? — No. — what, then, performance is not like? — the Performance is just the same like. — what show? — a Tragicomedy. — Very interesting, tell us more! — We met in the lobby of the theater with my husband. He, too, came there with his mistress.

Bad dream of the Russian intelligentsia — "Building 2" on the channel "Culture". — Name one animal on the "t". — the Cockroach. — "d". Two of a cockroach. — And the "s"? — Ysho one cockroach. — Dad, buy me chocolate! — You're too old for candy. — Really? Then I get to drink, smoke and bring home the boys? — You milk or bitter? — How a cow says. — M-u-u-u-u... — says the dog? — Ha-AV.... — says the chick? — Ko-Ko... — says the deer? — Yes, dear, I believe you. In Sochi at a concert Sergei Zverev dolphins swam into the hall and started to save people.

Once the husband and wife were arguing about who was going to pick up my son from kindergarten. Husband just got home from work and argued that it is very tired to now still where-that "shove". The wife, in turn, tried to explain to him that she needed to make dinner, and she simply does not have time to run to the garden. When all the arguments on both sides were exhausted, my husband decided to go to the trick: — Look, I bought you an overpriced mink coat, just like you begged me? — yeah, so what? — And winter boots of genuine leather, the most fashionable, I bought it? Yes... — So put all this — and more! — And you?! — What am I? Me in socks and shaving cream to go, right?

Say that if a vampire to burn, it will die. You would think that if the average person to burn, it will survive and say, "Oh, how cool, let's do it again". — And there are penguins tall? — No! — Your mother, a nun crushed. My friend thinks he's the smartest, he says that the tears can only cause an onion, I decided to check and threw a watermelon at his face. Wages in recent years began to resemble the change. — And my salary in words to write? — what's the pay? — 12 000 rubles. — Tears write.

One guy, finished school, got a summer to work and managed to save money for a used "nine". After inspecting the car, he managed to bring down the price by as much as 30 000, and boasted the father. He saw the car and thought, gave his son advice: — Son, you have to spend the money for car repairs. Look, wire all of the old, that look will be short. The brakes are not in the best condition, and the tires are so-so, it is necessary new to buy. With the money saved you for a rational approach will be enough on it. — No, bat — waved son I better for the money good sound system, put the subwoofer there, the speakers are powerful. — Well, look, it's your business, but then do not complain. Son went to the shop and installed it on the "nine" new sound...

— Hello, this is handball Federation? — Yes, judging by the fact that here constantly calling handbola. This summer I decided to do real estate. Lying and not moving. — I See your car standing at the entrance. Do not go anywhere, not broken? — no... you Know, so well put it, I'm afraid if I leave, someone will take place. British scientists have calculated that the chances of being killed by a falling meteorite on the way for lottery tickets is much higher chance to win the Grand prize in the lottery. — Sam, can you explain to me why you seek me only in those days when I have a headache, high blood pressure and I did not sleep well? — Verochka, dear, all because when you are healthy, I have no health is not enough...

Two girlfriends went to rest at sea. On the first day met on the beach with two local guys by the Turks, and in the evening four of us went to the restaurant. Ate, drank, danced, and came to the hotel. — I'll take this handsome athlete, and you're that puny. Anyway, you don't like bullies, and such as he, not to my taste! said one friend to another. The second did not argue, and they went to their rooms with the guys. the next Morning the friends met for Breakfast and began to share impressions about last night: — My kind of restless! The whole night didn't sleep together, he just didn't me to come off! — said the girl who picked a handsome. — mine made me an offer of marriage! — replied the other. — Ugh, he's so dumb! — take it back, otherwise I'll...

Sometimes my daughter come to visit her classmates — say, to play on the console. Like any father, I, of course, a little nervous: you know, it is at 13, hormones, and the console I break down. lectures on Parasitology: — But now a young man who didn't listen to me, will remind us in which the bodies of most parasites? — In the state. — Banned anything else? — my Own opinion. — Fima, sho are you going for dinner? — Put me in this piece of white fish. But it's fat! — Sarah and I sho asked what was the name of that fish? If the wife takes forever to mom, can be... you will have time to drink a bottle of beer before she returned.

In a remote mountain village for the first time in his existence, the doctor came. For a long time no one walked, only at the end of the third day the door knocked the grizzled old shepherd. — Hello, what's the problem? said the pleased doctor. — Yes, no matter what, e! You, doctor, give me the reference where it says that syphilis from me, understood? — uh-uh... And you're sick? Analyses handed over? Have the results? — Yes, doctor, what tests, eh?! I just need this help! Excuse me, but why would you, grandpa? Well, first, I'll be the first syphilis patients in our village. Secondly, while I'm with the sheep on pasture, to my young wife, no one will come. And thirdly... — "third", grandpa? asked the stunned doctor have silenced the shepherd. — And...

I went up to the disco to the girl and asked: — do you wanna dance? And she said — my First boyfriend-boxer ask, if you dare! Well, you know I'm a brave man. Approach him and ask: — do you wanna dance? the Man came into the store and walked to the seller: — 15 litres of wine please. — You gave him the capacity? — You talk to her. date: — Vadim, very cold! Please give me your jacket. — No, Lucy, you're already one stretched. — Why do you shut me out? I hear you're lonely, you groan inside. — E-mine, Petrovich, step away from the door, let me shit in peace! — Conversation with you is as demining of ammunition of times of war! Dunno, at what point will explode and why. — I'm old?!

One guy's lifelong dream of becoming a firefighter. After graduating College, he immediately went to the nearest firehouse to get the job done. Looking at his papers and evaluating physical strength, battalion said, Well, you have everything in order at first glance. Only in the job of a firefighter is one more important detail: carry this heavy service, are only those who have a healthy sleep. The longer a person sleeps, the better. So I need to check. the battalion conducts a guy in the break room and shows on the sofa and tells him to go to bed, and he goes. Five hours to the chief uses one of his subordinates and reports: — the Guy in the break room still asleep. — Well, the Intern he will pull replies the chief. After ten o'clock he again...

At the international courses for the training of flight attendants is the last exam before receiving their diplomas. The examiner, taking a hard look gathered the Babes, says: — So, girls, imagine the following situation. Your plane, flying over the desert, crashed, survive only you. After spending a few days in the desert you find an oasis where you are greeted by 40 longing for the woman of the Bedouins. So, miss Johnson, what are you going to do? Oh, sir, I will immediately commit suicide as soon as you see them! — answers English. — well... Cowardly, but understandable... And you, Frau Stolz? — I'll find a weapon and try to make one of these Bedouin is not alive! — said the German. — well... Brave but inhuman. And you, Mademoiselle Roy, what will...

The Ideal father's belt should be like a nuclear bomb: always ready, but never used. Lucky horse cart. On the wagon — hay. In the manger sitting Vanya and Manya. Manya says: — WAN, listen to the birds sing!.. Ivan: — What are birds?! You better feel what I came up with... Came to a Georgian friend from Russia. He decided the guest around the city to ride on the machine. — the traffic light is red and you're in! — surprised Russian. — I am the horseman! Now the traffic lights are green, and we stand. Why? — And now because of the angle of another horseman to go! took out the trash. The neighbors thought move. the New "Lay's" flavor of the list of prohibited import products!..

Young man, received a summons from the recruiting office, is to be examined. Going into the ophthalmologist's office, he immediately said: — Doctor, I have a very strong myopia, here's help! — yeah, darling, you are such a "short-sighted" every second, and each certificate there! — sarcastically replies the doctor. — Let me check, stand here, close one eye. What letter am I pointing to? — the Doctor and I! I you something just barely on the background walls are different, and it is only because you have dark hair and the wall is white! — Well, you lie Yes no lie like a gas meter, darling! I have such in my lifetime seen a lot! So what letter am I pointing to? — see the doctor! insists recruit. this continues for half an hour, finally the guy can not...