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Waiter! My soup button! — what do you want for the money you have been given a whole coat? to prove to the girl that you have serious intentions, immediately after a first date, introduce her to the parents, wife, children... johnny is standing at the open window. — are You crying, johnny? — the Ball flew away! — I'll buy you ten new balls! No, that dog like a Balloon, I never will! Man rushes to the pharmacy: — My wife threatened me that poisoned with rat poison! — Sorry, but we have no antidote... — Yes, where's the antidote?! I need rat poison! — I'm in trouble. My wife found out I was cheating on her. — Anything, your wife is a strong woman. — that is what scares me.

A young couple living away from their relatives, decided to get married. They simply got married and began to live in perfect harmony. A few years later to them came to visit uncle caught a very unpleasant type. in Just a week uncle tortured husband and wife with his nagging: he soup salted insufficiently, the TV is too loud working, not talking to him no. But the couple decided to be delicate and smooth out all the conflicts. Uncle lived with them for several long and unbearable years and died of a heart attack. Returning from his funeral, the wife said to her husband: — Oh, I know that's a bad way to say it, but I'm glad the old goat died. You know, dear, if I so much disliked, that long ago drove to your uncle from our house! the Husband stops...

Sarah complains to her neighbor Celia: — Lope I Abrash argued sho I'm good! Shouted bill. Do not believe! — Madam, you have great taste! — George, I beg you! Stop me biting! Talking two: — lucky You! You have a mother-in-law is deaf and dumb! — Yes, but you should have seen the look on her face! — Tell me, Holmes, how to distinguish rubber woman from the present? — Elementary, my dear Watson! If this pressure on one breast, the second is not increased. my Mom wanted a boy, and dad wanted a girl. That's how they met.

Tired of the blondes that everybody is laughing at their stupidity, and they decided to prove to everyone that they are not such fools as they seem. Drew posters, made banners and staged a rally outside. Go around the city, chanting the chants, placards waving, and suddenly a little man came up: — what are you Girls waving posters? It is better to prove that you are smart! One blonde came out of the crowd of other women, and said, — come on, uncle, ask me any question and I'll answer it! Man: — Okay. How much is two times two? Blonde: — Five! the Crowd chanted the man: — Give her a chance, give it a chance! Man: — well, Well, give a chance to. How much is two times two? Blonde: — Three! the Crowd chanted the man: — Give her a...

Knock on the door the man opens. There is a beautiful woman: — Hello, I'm your new neighbor, wanna have fun, drink and make love all night! Are you free today? — Yes... Yes... of Course... — is to look after my dog? to be a brilliant doctor like Dr. house, we need knowledge and sarcasm. To work in the district hospital, enough sarcasm. — those are lovely twins! — No, I have one boy, he's just very nervous. — Lucy, how do you understand? — Yes way... Deal with it... — who are You? — I Amur. See that girl? Now I'll shoot your heart out. — But it's a very scary girl... — I'm very sneaky Cupid...

Lunch in the carpool. Two drivers were detected in the bus a forgotten wallet, and decided to play passers-by. Took the purse, stuffed it with paper to look plump, and nailed him to the ground. Themselves, they grabbed a speaker and hid around the corner in the shade to watch. On the street walked by different people, some stay and try to lift the wallet, someone passed by, but nothing interesting happened. And the purse came another passerby. A man with a zeal began to tear the purse from the ground, but to no avail. Then one of the pranksters said to the speaker: — Stronger pull! the Man got startled, looked around, saw nobody and began to keep trying. — Stronger! — again heard the voice. the Man again turned away, looked around, then lifted...

— why cats wash? — Is a series to jump with a parachute, to feed the elephant to cross the river on the crocodiles, to put the toothpaste back in the tube, to tell my wife that she's fat. Everyone needs it once in your life to try... solve the mystery of the violin of Sherlock Holmes: quiet winter evenings the sound echoed through the night London, and the bullies have lost the use of his feet, the robbers give up. Rapists, too, were unhappy. — Vadik, are you home alone? Will swing by in ten minutes. — yeah, let's heap up, grandmother still sits on the forum. — Where-where? — Yes on the bench at the entrance. In the heat of a quarrel a husband said to his wife: — All. Enough. I demand you divorce. — Better ask. Remember how you...

— Dear, here's a thousand rubles, go buy yourself some shoes that you wanted. — But you don't know how much they cost! — well, now you know. — Man what a profession will be a better husband? — the Astronaut! — Why? — Because they are six months on a business trip and when I return, the whole country for a week already knows... on Hearing the applause in the cabin after the landing of the airliner, flattered by the commander of the crew immediately lifted the plane in the sky and played an encore of "loop the loop", "barrel" and other aerobatic maneuvers. — Lifting! As the holiday meet, so spend it! You don't want it is stupid to oversleep? — Want! the Odessa market. Large size lady approaches the container with blouses and...

Old Fira Abramovna sitting alone in the kitchen and eats fried chicken. Suddenly, the apartment come colleagues of her husband Semyon Solomonovich, comes forward his head and with a very sorrowful expression says: — Fira Abramovna... Oh, I still don't know how to tell you this... your dear husband Semyon Solomonovich only Shaw was electrocuted at work. the Old woman continued to silently eat the chicken. The head of the husband: — Fira Abramovna, you sho, are you deaf? I say: your semen Solomonovich just passed away, our condolences to you. In response only focused Champ. Head: — Oh, Fira Abramovna, well, sho is with you? Your husband, the father of your three sons and a lovely daughter died an hour ago! You sho, yet it is not a pity? the Old...

In one secular 90-year-old billionaire, met a charming young model. He immediately fell in love with her and proposed to marry him. The girl agreed, they played a magnificent wedding, and flew to a tropical island for our honeymoon. a Few days everything was fine but suddenly an elderly newlywed had a heart attack. He was immediately taken to the hospital, and when he came to, he asked to call his wife. — Honey, — said the girl man, even if the worse happens — don't worry! I took care of your future. — Yes, dear? But how? — Pat cilia beauty. — I copied you your share of the business, recorded for you two their house and country Villa... — Oh, dear! — And you will own all the old jewelry of my family and my entire fleet of rare cars. Trust me, you...

Rabinovich Returned from a trip ahead of time, looked in the closet — no one under the bed too empty, and on the balcony no one hanging. Comes back to the room dejected, and his wife sarcastically: — Well, after that, Yasha, no luck? You have this time for all to be answerable. my girl was in bed could. Eat, drink, to read, to draw, to conduct business correspondence. One time when I went through the carb... it's Funny that as you get older, you begin to love what you hated in childhood. For example, the right to take a NAP after lunch and to be spanked!.. Your network again nothing pulled? — to Pull something out, but we are not going to eat a dead diver... the Middle finger is the market leader in instant messaging...

Walks like a man on the market, where all the beasts sell. Coming to a tent with a parrot and asks: — Hello, tell me, how much is this little red parrot cost? — $ 500. — Wow! And why are you so expensive?! — And this is not an ordinary parrot. He's Russian, and English and French speaking. Yes, and translates from any language to Russian! — Oh wow! Then everything is clear. Well, here is the green, great? At what price will it be? — And this is worth $ 1,000. — Here those on! And why is more expensive than red? — But it is not enough that all the same languages fluent, and writes poetry and songs in Swahili takes! — Well, this is serious. And yonder, blue in the corner sits how much is it worth? — this will be $ 1,500. — Yes you that?! That kind...

Two tired tourists in the evening: — Oh! Now to the campfire! — yeah! Yes a Cup of tea! — And warm salnick. — Yes with a girl. — But only that alone. Mother-in-law — daughter: — Oh, my God! Well, look at what your failure did to my salad! I half-tried, all prepared according to old recipe, decorated it with flowers made of vegetables and fruits, brought drawing and dill mayonnaise! It was the best decoration festive table! And now... — Mom! Enough to delve into the toilet! — Leh, come with us to walk? — No, I sat down for textbooks! — Why is that? — Yes went to his brother on oath, decided all debts to the University faster to pass. the Mother asks the son-in-law: — What are you reading kid? — "Red riding hood". — But if...

Odessa traded in the market melons. Next to the item hung a sign: "One melon — three rubles, three melons to ten rubles." To the seller approached the buyer. The man looked at the sign, then the goods, scratched his ear and first I bought one melon for three rubles, then the second three, and finally a third. Then clapped his hands, laughed and said to the inhabitant of Odessa: — have you Seen that mug? I have you bought three melons for the first nine rubles instead of ten! You don't know anything about the Commerce! the Seller happily looked after the departing man and said, — And here it is! Take three melons instead of one, and then say, sho I do not know how to trade!

The Husband yells to his wife: — the Wife, you don't know where our old saw? the voice of the mother: — Not your business where I got to drink! And anyway, I'm not old! the Rich keep their savings in the Bank, the poor in the refrigerator. I, as a person of moderate means, keep their savings in the Bank, but just in case put the jar overnight in the fridge. I always knew on dates with girls behave sometimes boring, but when she paused, took a pen and started to solve Sudoku, I realized that today broke all records. the Husband puts the home bar all alcoholic beverages and neatly puts everything in a duffel bag. his Wife asks: — nick, why so much? We're only two days at the cottage we go! Husband: — It's not us, Lucy, for two days...