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One day a man bought a dog, but a week passed and the owner decided to fence four-legged friend to your neighbor. He leads the dog to his yard and says: — a Neighbor, buy a guard dog, she is good, intelligent, and even able to speak! Only five bucks! — What? A talking dog? You che, completely out of your mind?! This does not happen in nature! And then the dog raised his eyes, full of sadness, and cried, — Please buy me! I am very good and obedient dog! And this is a bad man, we don't get along. He fed me a little and never bathed, kept in chains. And I, incidentally, had the reputation of a clever man, better than me not to find on the continent! Yes, I performed in front of presidents and kings! I even served in the army, was awarded no less than ten...

Wife was away for three days to visit, return, and feed the hamster in the box is not diminished. Shouts to the husband: — what are You, a butcher, a hamster is not fed? — what a sclerosis damned! Forgot a bit. Then, look at what he vyalenko wheel turns. Thought I airela beast. my Dad says his 17-year-old daughter: — If you behave like a good girl, I'll gift silver bracelet. — you Know daddy, that I was acting like a bad girl, I already got the gold! One man says to another: — I do not remember that I promised my wife. Whether you drink two Beers and come in nine, or nine cups and come in two? — have you Heard? Of Sberbank's Ural disappeared 12 million rubles and the cashier. — Yes God bless them with money! After all, the man was...

Scientists Decided to conduct an experiment and invited a physicist, mathematician and engineer, to check whether they will be able to survive in a desperate situation. The men were taken to different rooms in the center of which stood the closed boxes filled with food. week opened the physics room, he sat in the wreckage of his chest and ate a stick of sausage. — How were you able to open the trunk? — asked him. — Through long calculations, I found out where this chest is a weak spot, kicked him the chest shattered into splinters. the Following opened the door to the room of the engineer, he lay beside an open chest and biting the Apple. — And you as the trunk opened? — Yes I pulled the carnations out of his skin, it made a lock pick and picked...

Yesterday smoked on the balcony and in the window flew a pigeon with a piece of paper in its beak, I was ready even for a Slytherin, but it was the foil from packs of cigarettes. — Have you ever had the desire to push man on the escalator, all fell like dominoes? — Damn, until you said there wasn't. the packaging indicates the date of manufacture, so we certainly knew what products sign of the zodiac. if me decides to go vegetarian, always carry a cross from beef. To the subject of life. Indeed, in my childhood we played a lot in the yard. My favorite game was hide and seek. I just went home.

One day an Arab came into the bar. Only he wanted to make an order, suddenly he noticed at the far end of the bar of the Jew. Angered, he suddenly shouted to the bartender that serves drinks to all except the Jew in the corner of the room. When all present got a drink and in one fell swoop drank to the health of a gracious visitor, a Jew, stood up, turned to the Arab, and with a sincere smile loudly said: — Thank you, my good man! by such impudence Arab came in full fury. He immediately called the waiter and loudly that everyone could hear, asked for more time to pour over, but not to a Jew. But this time not touched a gesture — he turned abruptly and loudly thanked his opponent. Then the Arab sadly hung his head and began to complain to the bartender: —...

In one village the priest built the Church. Built, built, and all would be well, but that bell tower is constantly falling. Will build it — it will collapse. Again it will be built again, and it will collapse. Father because of this whole dream is lost. And one night came to him a vision of an angel appeared to him and said, "Samurai his young wife in the Foundation of the tower — and the age she will stand, not destroyed!" In the morning the priest woke up and ran to his wife. Began to explain to her that loves her very much, and loves his faith, but the Church building still necessary. Now sir, cried, said goodbye to the young wife, and immured her in the Foundation of the tower. While the bell tower still collapsed. Because the strength of...

Husband comes home from fishing, all in the upset feelings. The wife, wanting to reassure the wife, begins to console him: — baby, I brought you catch, well, nothing wrong with that! — Yes you do not understand, for man. — So you tell me what I don't understand! — you asked for it! With these words the husband takes the wife's hand and leads straight to the bedroom. Does ambient lighting, places candles everywhere, and uncorks a bottle of champagne stashed for a special occasion. Hugs wife and begins to whisper in her ear dizzying compliments. The wife rolls her eyes with pleasure, quietly and unties the gown, and he falls on the floor. The husband takes off pants and gets close, continuing to shower wife hot kisses. She languidly whispering in his...

To the question "where do You work?" instead of "I'm not working" reply to: "can I afford not to work!" And you're not an unemployed loser, and respectable man! — My husband is so aggressive behind the wheel! And your so calm! What are you giving him? — I give him. I Saw a lady in a leopard coat and leopard tights. And now feel I have a right to some time off because of the experience. Free advice to Jehovah's witnesses: go for the apartments direct this morning and mineral water for sale. People will give money, and in God believe. — She is so cute winking! Is the cockroaches in her head repairing blinds...

— Why do they call you Zipper? — See this brutal scar on his neck? — Yes. — I got it, when buttoned down. Sometimes you want to break away from traffic lights, leaving other cars behind, and fly with the wind a kilometer or two, but the bus driver doesn't want to. One gram of alcohol adds 9 calories. It turns out that vodka for lunch. And, by the way, it is now clear why, after a large amount of vodka often sick. It from overeating, I guess. Today, an SMS from an unknown number: "I'm Sorry baby, it's not you, I met another. It happens, goodbye." Well kapets me even stranger girl threw! Fate — when thrown into the fountain of the ruble and made a wish to quit Smoking. But could not help, went to the store, and the cigarettes...

I'm over 25 and I'm still afraid to tear the lilacs near the house. It seems that the window will come out any grandmother and start yelling: "get outta here, ugly young!" As I wash the dishes: 1. I — in the water; 2. The whole kitchen — in the water; 3. Float past the cat on the boat. Say, is not to whistle, and then the money will not. Nonsense! Personally, I like something quietly to whistle, yet brewed "instant noodles". — the Doctor, at me good mood: I want to go for dining, shopping and buy whatever you like! What's wrong with me? Is your salary... will be held. And that cloud looks like your future. — No there is no cloud. — That's it.

— the Defendant, explain, finally, why did you kill these young people? — I Cupid. — is Valid, but the arrow from the crossbow? — don't tell me to work! If you night, standing behind the person who receives the money from the ATM, and don't want him scared of you and lightly kiss his neck. I came to tell you that I finally grew up, just like you wanted. — But how can you prove it? — I need a Phone to call. — Attention! In our shopping centre found the boy Alyosha. 26. Parents, please come to the bar and pay for two of Guinness. — Is that your car? is Mine. — could you fight off? — Easily. Shoo, shoo, shoo!

— Hello, my name is Eugene, I am a designer! — Can I see your work to see? — Yes, of course! So, the walls are decorated with Spanish silk, plaster walls, stained glass Windows, above the "starry sky" — well, where in the modern world without the newest technologies? — heated floors, and a light flashes on cotton! — Gorgeous! And flats do you do? a Man runs into the pharmacy and asks: — Have you got anything for diarrhea? Urgent! to Him, the druggist says: — Yes, you know, literally just ended. — Damn it! Then let the patch! Faster! Is a football match. Commentator familiar quickly says: — kick, the ball Ivanov, pass left, pass into the penalty area, shot, rod! Here the door open, rushes in out of breath coach: — do you mind slowing...

After tedious trip, the Director returned to the office. He was met by the Secretary and announced: — Sergey, I have for you two news: one good and one bad. With what to begin? — bad come on. is Realized. So the tax came, arrested all of your accounts, the last transaction with foreign partners turned out to be fake, your wife is sleeping with your Deputy and is going to sue all of the property, the partners sent their rapists to overcome your apartment for the debts... the Director sighed and said: — Yes-and Oh, Gee! Now the good news, that is... — we Have a baby on the way, dear!

Afraid to die of some mysterious death. Because my parents will go to "Battle of the psychics", where they talk about me shit. once I suddenly hit the age when half of acquaintances complaining about family, and the second half in the absence of family. — have you ever been hit by a car? — Yes will I give you back, I promise, I will! as a child I laughed at the fable about the grasshopper and the ant... don't understand how you can fail to notice that summer has ended. Now it's not funny. — Drink beer at dawn, drink a beer before bedtime, drink a beer on the grass, drink a beer at the table. — a Great nutritionist. All the friends you can recommend!

Two drunks in the trash buddies walking home from the outskirts of the city. Neither buses nor trams do not go, the men slowly wander down the street, sighing. Suddenly shows up near the bus depot. One friend says to another: — Look, Leh, and let's bus hijacking, huh? We're on it we get home! In short, you go, I'm on the lookout post, see, so the cops didn't notice. okay, San, I went... Man leaves and the other stays to wait for him near the gate of the depot. It takes five minutes, 15, 20 — Lehi. Not stand, man looks inside a large garage, and sees that he is torn between wringing his hands. — Leh, what are you doing? — nothing! I can't find the eighth bus! — Damn, Leh, don't freak! Steal sixth, we go on Lenin, and there is only a five minute...